What was I supposed to do?
I offered you my heart true
I gave you love
I gave you hope
But you gave me nothing?
I offered you my heart so pure and sweet
I offered you a lovely retreat
I offered you peace
I gave my heart to you
I served it up just right
But instead of savoring the the sweet love
You pulled out the knives
You cut me up
You chewed me down
You left me bleeding on the ground
In tears and sorrow
You left me no choice
No choice but to run
I could not walk away
I had to run to be saved
You treated me like meat
You knocked me off my feet
I had to retreat.
I can’t even say we dated; he never really took me anywere.
Ya we met in a club and went home together; but it was different in the way that I had met him years before, and I felt there was something special. Years ago (15) years ago we had met in the same club and he had playfully but almost seriously asked me to marry him; he told me he was going to build a castle around me, and that he was going to treat me like a queen. I didn’t go home with him that night or go on the date he asked me out on because he seemed to wrapped up in his money. I was right, because that is how it turned out this time.
He was just so damn cute in a little boy sort of way; and kind of sad under his smile and charm. There was a little cloud following him that night and I wanted to make him happy.
We kissed as I read his palm; it was a sneaky little sideways kiss that he kissed me with; it was so cute, but we had chemistry right away and the kissed turned into a passionate experience as the Bouncer broke us up. I told him I wanted to go home with him; he was very surprised, so was I!
Our intimacy was sensual, sweet, romantic and passionate; but his ex girlfriend lived down stairs in a basement suite.. He told me to be quiet and pulled away from me; he explained that she was living downstairs. He knew exactly when she was leaving for work; I thought that was kind of creepy. I felt right away that they were emotionally still connected and I felt like I was cheating with him. Then I found out that his other ex girlfriend of only about 4 months wanted him back and that she was playing games with him trying to get him to kick his other ex out of the basement (WOW!) I could see why his ex was having problems with the ex downstairs as I already felt the energy after just being with him once. Image how it must have been for her to have to be quiet durning sex so that the ex downstairs wasn’t bothered? That just sickens me; I couldn’t live with that for 4 years!
Now I could see that he was causing all of his own sorrows!
The next day he pretty much ignored me and then told me it wasn’t just about sex; I was mad and hurt, cause it was too!
I gave him another chance after tons of emails and being told that he didn’t want a relationship but lets just see what happens. I told him that I had deep feelings for him and that I could fall in love easily with him; because of his boyishness and the sweetness that I could see in him.
Anyway; he came to my house and I supplied the best wine and food and me; he told me I pampered him and how much he liked it. He played around and hid in my closet; he had put the pillows, just so in the bed to make it look like him under the blanket. It worked and it was cute! As I came back in the room I was talking to pillows as he popped out of th closet. We had tons of great laughs and we made love ( or so I thought) but he said he had to go to work early in the morning and off he rushed after just a couple of hours. I hadn’t seen him in 3 weeks; it felt like a dine and dash again. He told me he wanted to take me out for my birthday..it was on Easter Monday. But the next day on Easter Sunday; I heard nothing from him. I knew what was coming; I knew he was going to stand me up and hurt me.
He knew I didn’t have my kids and That I was alone on my Birthday; I have been alone for Christmas, Valentines Day, New Years, Easter and just recently my birthday. He knew that; the day of my birthday; I thought to myself that I can’t wait around all day on my birthday to not hear from him. I text messaged him and I told him how cruel it was, to ignore me all Sunday and then not to call me. He text messaged back saying he had just woke up and he had forgotten, he was a very very busy man and he forgot. He left it that way for over 20 min; it seemed like a life time. He didn’t say .. can I make it up to you? What can I do? It was one text and that is all he said.
After 20 min I told him to GO TO HELL!.. tough words for a very heartbroken me 😦
I wrote him a scathing email; and I texted him later that day to say how heartbroken I was on my birthday; his one short text was.. I understand.
How could he understand? How could he? How?
I took him out of my phone and I took him out of my email.. I didn’t memorize his phone number or email on purpose. In my heart I knew; I knew he was using me to make himself feel better about his life; he never ever cared about me or my life.
Chivalry is dead; I wined and dined him; I made love to him; I listened to him; I saw him as a person; I offered him love.
I got rejection; ignored and forgotten on my birthday.
I got a broken heart.. Chivalry is dead because he didn’t have enough class to say he was sorry.
Not even a sorry.
Chivalry means courteous and considerate behaviour towads women.
To me he wasn’t just some guy I slept with from the bar; to me he was a sweet man that I wanted to love and be loved by.
Most women don’t have sex for sex; they have sex to make love; to give love and recieve love.
I thought this one would be different; but instead.. chivalry is dead
And I am sad.
I cannot carry your pain or shoulder your blame
I cannot change you or what others do
I can change me
I can change the way I see
I can change the way I be
I can change the way I speak
I can change the way I think
I can move through emotions instead of sink
I release the outcome
I relinquish control
I stop struggling
I stop trying to open doors
I stop trying to open the ones that are closed to me
I just walk through the open doors to see what I will see
I walk the path that unfolds before me
I walk the path in faith that it is there for me
I walk through my darkest hours
I walk strait through blindly
I walk with the light inside of me
I know that eventually I will find my way
As the way is the only way
The way is through not struggling
The way is through being
The way is through trusting.
Make Love to Me
Take me with one look, across the room, I see you
My heart speeds up, my breath quickens, my knees feel weak, my blood peaks
Make love to me
Kiss me, softly, firmly, hotly
Make love to me
Throw me down, crush me with your body, I taste you and you taste me, I smell your scent all over me
Make love to me
Penetrate and thrust, beg me not to stop, pull my hair, and roll around everywhere
Make love to me
I want to hear you scream, I want here your release, I want know I please, when you please me too
Make love to me
Sometimes I get so tired of the world. I hear young people say all they want is to make lots of money. I think to myself; they are missing the point of existence. I think we have all been put here to make the world a better place.
There is so much selfishness; and we are groomed from the time we are young to think and act selfishly. We learn that all the popular kids are the best looking and they wear the most fashionable clothes. My children are starting to inform me of this as they approach middle school. It makes me feel so sad; what happened to making you mark by what you do, not by what you look like, what you have or who you know?
I just need to turn the TV off; it makes me sick how we are so brainwashed; everything is just so disinfected and so fake and perfect, we have forgotten how to be organic. We have become artificial; like the food that we eat; like the plastics that store our food and that we wear in our clothing, we have forgotten about the soul.
So I turn off the TV and I stay away from Facebook and I stay away from the Mall; because it starts to make me feel so hopeless; it starts to make me physically sick. I get pulled into the undertow; just like everyone else, before I know it I am watching what I say, what I do, what I wear so that I can fit in and not be judged too. It is such a hard thing to walk away from, to retreat from; the worldliness it surrounds us.
Even the artificial spirituality wants us to believe that if we only concentrate on happiness it will magically come to us. If we only say nice things and think nice thoughts; we will manifest a magical world, but this too is artificial; because we have to FACE what is WRONG to make it RIGHT! It will not fix its self; it will not go away if we ignore it! This is not organic thinking this is not real; this is not reality. Problems must be dealt with; they must be worked through; emotions must be felt, vented and expressed to be released. We must clean up our messes to get rid of them.
For the world to come into reality we have to face the one we live in to make the world what we want it to be; what is it that we all want? EQUALITY! We want everyone to have a fair chance at life; we want everyone to succeed and grow into the fullness of who they are.
But we are shown through the world we should want fame and fortune only for ourselves, we should want to stand out of the crowd; of course it means that others should have less than us; it means they should be and feel beneath us. It isn’t that we should have what we have worked for; it isn’t that we should give to others who are lazy and would just use us; but we should share and bring other’s up who need and deserve a break; others who work hard to make a difference but don’t have the opportunities that we have; so we should share our good fortune to make the world a better place.
Real spirituality is real; it’s not fluffy words; IT IS WORKS! What are you doing to make a difference that doesn’t just make you money? How are you reaching out to others instead of just reaching out your hand to receive for yourself; how are you giving back? Words are empty without action; simple as that, Meaningless dribble without participation!
I am human too; I get sucked in too; to the artificial, superficial, fake and faceless world; so I retreat to take the time to get myself strait again.
I hope that by writing my book I help to make a difference it the world; I am not looking for fame and fortune; I am not looking to feed my ego. I am hoping that bring the Goddess Archetype into the awareness of society will bring about compassion.
We have forgotten mercy, grace, love, empathy; we have forgotten how to feel for strangers; we have forgotten that everyone is us. If we cannot feel for others than how will anyone feel for us?
What is more organic than kindness?
My soul longs for tenderness; my soul needs mercy; as I am a part of you, the world longs for mercy.
I wish to help end suffering; through love.