Today I can’t go outside and play with my children; I can call to my oldest daughter and ask how her little brother is doing as she is watching him for me. I can go outside and rescue him if he really needs me but I can’t play with them outside.
The moms that hate me for my blog talk to the moms that don’t and things get uncomfortable when I come out to talk to anyone. I can’t hang-out outside because I feel like I want to cry or like I did yesterday tell someone off for being so cruel and immature.
It started with the woman that lives across from me when I first moved in; I knew I was getting sized up. She acted like my friend and then talked over me and ignored me the next moment; the hot and cold passive aggressive game of controlling the social situation. It became apparent to me that she was the princess in the complex and she saw herself as ruling the hen roost; so to speak.
I tried to make friends with the other moms in my neighborhood; I tried to hold a community picnic; the ones who most opposed me didn’t show up; even though they were in town. Or the ones that did show up complained about how I ran it and that it shouldn’t cost them any money. It was a bitch fest to be honest but I tried to remain positive and hold the picnic anyway; even with the rumor that I was collecting the money to keep for myself; and even though I spent a couple of hundred dollars of my own money to hold the picnic. Being a single mom; it wasn’t easy but I was trying to bring about community spirit and I felt it was important to all the kids in the town housing complex. Oh; one rumor was that I was doing it for attention.
Anyway that was a struggle; when I went to school a couple of moms offered to help me out with daycare; my ex wouldn’t pay the daycare, one mother wouldn’t lay off; she kept saying it wasn’t about the money but if I didn’t pay her by such and such a time she wouldn’t baby sit for me. I asked her to please just hold in until I could get him to pay; but I was hounded mercilessly for money. She knew the intense stress I was under because of my ex; with school and being a single mom. I paid her and the other mom every cent I owed them and I was forced to drop out of school by the lawyers not being able to get my ex to pay up before they would quit. The stress caused me to get into a car accident the day I decided that I would have to give up and quit college.
These women all knew of my intense heartache at the loss of my marriage; they knew about his affair that he had while I was pregnant with my son; my sister’s death and the fight that I had to put up constantly against my ex to have him be fair in the divorce that he had caused. They knew and know I have no family; I have no help; I have no one.
When I wrote the blog and posted (The Divine Feminine 1 -6) they were all on my facebook; I put up two warning post stating that I was going to post the sensual photography of myself to express The Divine Feminine. The one that lives right across from me that opposes me the most; her husband was also on my facebook. He was second from the top of my facebook profile for viewing the Divine Feminine. Right after I posted The Divine Feminine; the very next day upon picking up my kids from school not one of them would give me eye contact; I could tell that they were talking about me to each other like little school girls telling secrets. It was very immature and cruel and very obvious! I started to talk to one of the moms about a facebook friend that we had in common; she rolled her eyes and walked away from me and a head of me. I confronted her on her rudeness on the walk home. I was told she didn’t want to talk to me about men who were attracted to me; I was told I was a selfish mom for writing the blog and for expecting other people to read it. I felt she was saying that I was selfish for posting my sensual photos.
The next day it was the same and then some of them joked around on facebook about starting a blog to teach others how to love themselves. I confronted this as well with a phone call; I was told I was paranoid. Every time I tried to confront the issues of their pettiness and insecurities in an adult manner I have been called names or told I am imagining things.
When I went to school to get my kids again and the same happened with the gossiping about me as if I wasn’t there as if we were all children attending the elementary school ourselves. This time I confronted them on facebook; telling the woman who lives across from me to have the guts and the maturity to say it to my face. This is when her husband took it upon himself to attack me on facebook; saying that I was man crazy and ignoring my children for my blog and a bunch of other very cruel things that he chose to say to me; like I was now officially the Crazy Lady across the way. His retort was out of guilt as he was the one that read and re-read for the pictures The Divine Feminine. He was calling me down to help him get over his own guilt.
Yesterday when I confronted one of the other husbands and his wife I was told that I betrayed their trust on posting about my experience with all these women and their husbands as I judged them as they judged me by exposing to them all of their imperfections. This was to show them that they had no right to point fingers at me as we all know when you point a finger in judgment at anyone else there are three pointing back at you. This couple had trouble with their sex lives; they have strict puritan values; he was turning to looking at porn occasionally because his natural needs were not being met. (Just being a guy really) anyway yesterday he started to lecture me about rebuilding trust with them after posting this about them. But his lecture to me sounded like a lecture that he got from a marriage councilor about rebuilding trust in his marriage with his wife and he told me I should get see a councilor; I was trying hard not to laugh; it was hard; he was telling me I would have to walk on eggshells with them to prove I was trustworthy again. All I could think about was poor guy!
I guess the point is they are all putting their insecurities and shortcomings onto me. I make the women uneasy because I am confident in my own skin; I make their husbands uneasy for the same reason.
I am a woman doing for myself; it is me with my babies; I am constantly moving them to higher ground. I have taken on my ex and his cruelty; I have taken on their cruelty. I have worked very hard to get a name for myself in Kelowna’s art community. I am working very hard at my blog and it is being successful with the amount of traffic on it. I am almost finished writing my book. I am living my dreams and working hard in spite of what others do to me and throw at me.
I think that I make some people uncomfortable because I do so much as a single mom; I don’t sit around and gossip; smoke and text on my deck ignoring my kids. I don’t talk other people down to make myself feel better. I do things; I accomplish things; I talk to my kids and I play with my kids and I take care of myself too. I think that some people see this as an affront to them. As if I think I am better than them; you know they can do whatever they want; but just don’t come down on me for doing what I want. I posted about them to protect myself from being bullied by them in front of my kids. I posted about them to protect myself. I am their mother; they heard and are still hearing and seeing their emotional and mental abuse of me. My kids want to know why I am being picked on; I tell them because I have dared to stand out and try to make a difference. My girls have told me that once the book comes out they will pick on me more and call me selfish even more; because these women will not understand the art of the photography or the message of the book. My kids have seen the photography and they understand the message in the book. My kids are smart as most kids are smarter than we give them credit for. So we will have to move to keep all of us safe from prejudice. It is prejudice.
Yes I want a man in my life. But I have not found one who is willing and wanting to love me; just men who want to have sex with no strings attached. I know I am better than that; I know that I am a Goddess just as every woman is a Goddess. I deserve the best and I am making the best out of nothing.
I am a warrior and I will continue to charge into the fight and I will win; I will!