I do not regret a single word that I have writen on my blog. Through writing my blog I have found myself; I know myself and to know yourself is the greatest treasure of all, because to know yourself is to be true to yourself and to be true to yourself brings you into the light.
Every post on this blog is like a piece of treasured gold; every post makes up the treasure chest that is my heart; every writing came from my heart. I did bare my soul and by doing so I help to lead by example; facebook friends, readers off of the net that google and other bloggers who read my post, learn that they are not alone in thier own journey and experiences.
I wouldn’t not change a day of my life; I would not change the past; even those that I loved that have passed on, I wouldn’t change that either; because of the lessons and the wisdom gained through the pain of having to learn to live without them. I believe it was meant to happen the way it did; and I believe it is the same way for us all. If we have the courage and the strength to face pain we do gain; we gain more of ourselves, we gain intense personal and spiritual growth. Most of all we glean what we have all come to the Earth School to gain; that is wisdom.
I have learned; the most important lesson of all; that is service. I exposed my heart to help others heal. It is in the service of helping others that the greatest treasure exists.
I had to write to help myself first so that I could truly help others; I had to be true to me to learn about truth.
I hope I have served you well; I hope that I have shown you the human experience; most of all I hope that I have shined the light on your very soul, to show you how indestructable that we all are.
Nothing in more priceless as the human spirit; like the diamond; nothing is as strong as our divinity.
I wish to give you, you.
I couldn’t believe how much things changed for me when I became a single mother and woman again; I know what I am about to share here on my blog hasn’t just happened to me, because I have talked to other single mom’s who say similar things.
First about 50% or more of my friends that were married started to ignore me and then just cut off contact with me; a couple of friends turned it around on me to make themselves feel better about thier abandonment of our friendship. Saying that I was just to needy or that I deserved it when my husband had an affair and left me; because I wasn’t a good enough wife; meaning I should of behaved myself.
Married women ( not all of them ) treated me differently and their husbands did to; I really felt like the shuned woman; I know that I am not alone in this, as other women of all ages told me that they experienced the same crap.
I felt it right away; moving into a town housing complex; from some of the women; I was a threat. And then the other crap; is the guilt put on me by some for wanting to have someone new in my life to love and be loved; like I am a bad mother for dating, even though my kids don’t have anything to do with it, they don’t know cause they are not home on the weekends when I do go out on a rare date.
Then its the guys that I have dated; treating me like damaged goods when they find out that my ex left me. The guys that only want sex; that don’t want to love or respect me. Dating has been a battle field! It has sucked! I feel like I am giving up hope; and I am a postive person. But I don’t; this time I just went on a paid site; Match.com; not POF were any Joe Blow can join just to play around. But I am not holding my breath!
I just can’t get over how cruel the world has been to me in the last couple of years; my horrible hateful ex; he hates me because he doesn’t want to face his own weakness with his affair and his leaving me and the kids; it’s just easier to blame me for everything. He did all the time in our marriage anyway. I am doing everything now but I did when we were married too; so really I am better off; cause I am not sleeping with him and he is a accross the Okanangan Valley! *WHEW*
But with the the selfish; cold hearted men I have dated and with the bitchy jelouse women that live in the complex with me; I have had it! I figure I am due here now UNIVERSE! This is BS; I have worked so hard to make my way; I have kept my head up high; I have kept my dignity inspite of many trying to rob me of it and I have been a great mother and brave person through all this crap.
I have worked very hard on my life and my book.
I am due a huge break through; I deserve it!
But tonight I am so tired; I have run so many errands; sent off so many emails; and handled so many important phone calls; I have cleaned, packed and organized and I still have so much to do!
Today is the day my mother died way back in 1983; I was thirteen, I have no family to help me today; and today I miss her, it’s days like this when a girl really needs her mother.
You can usually pick us out in a crowd; most of us have a style of our own, we have a vacant look sometimes as we are almost always contemplating upon our next creation.
The musician moves to his/her own beat. They wake up in the morning with a song in their head or they dream up new lyrics. To an artist; the place of dreams, the deep subconscious, is a place that holds the treasure of our creations. Many of us use our dreams as spring-boards for our creations. The musician, singer or lyricist can’t help but to feel and hear music in everything. The beat and the tempo are in the way they walk, talk and communicate. They just can’t help themselves; the vibrations of the universe move through them like their very pulse.
The actor/actress seems detached in many ways; as they are watching you and other people to create their next character, they study voice, body language and emotions. Most who are into acting study human nature without a thought, as it is just a natural way. Actors stand out; they love drama; they love laughter and sorrow. They may seem odd to most people but we can’t help but be drawn to the flame of passion that burst forth from their dramatic flair.
The photographer, painter and sculptor, see through the matrix of creation; we see the core, we see the essence and we wish to capture it in color, light and form. We are also somewhat detached as we need to see; to really see, to understand creation past the self. We love passion; all artist love passion.
The dancer is sensual; the body an instrument for their passion; they love the music, the burn of muscle as the push their bodies past what would be considered normal; for the sake of it. To become the music, to fly with the music..for the passion!
We create drama; and live our dreams for the passion. It takes great courage to be an artist of any type; as society and family members will say that an artist in the family is hopeless dreamer. They may say you are wasting your time on something that will not make you money.
Many artists are called crazy and deluded by others that have chosen normal jobs that give them a guaranteed pay check. Artists have to be fighters; they have to live for their passion. Most of us have to work at other jobs to support our craft. Society needs artist to create beauty and drama; without us to entertain and enlighten the world it would become a very dull and ugly place.
Yes we are different; dramatic, passionate, and odd. We express ourselves through everything we do as it is in our nature to do so; but without us life would lose meaning, culture would disappear and society would become gray and flat.
Artist need support; through family, friends and society. Without us you wouldn’t have movies; theaters, galleries, photographs of history or beauty, we keep record of the civilized world. Artist brings about civilization through creation for the sake of passion.
Instead of thinking “ Who the hell does he/she think she is up there on that stage, or wanting me to read their writing or look at their art ?” try to see that someone has to dare to have the courage to stand out, to bring beauty into the world.
I just want to fly away
I don’t want to think today
I want to soar in to the sky
Bright and blue
It feels true
I don’t want the world to hold me down
I don’t want anyone to bring me down
Like a kite on a string
I want to cut away everything
I want to be free
Free from too much responsibility
Everyone thinks they can tell me who to be
What to do and what to think
I just want them to forget me
Forget my name
Forget that I was hear
Forget that you knew me
Forget what you think about me
Set me free
Let me be
I want to fly like I do in my dreams
My feet they never touch the ground
My heart touches the sky
I part the clouds when I fly by
I ride the sunshine
Nothing here feels right to me
Nothing feels like home to me
I want to migrate like the birds
Until I find a place that feels like mine
Today I can’t go outside and play with my children; I can call to my oldest daughter and ask how her little brother is doing as she is watching him for me. I can go outside and rescue him if he really needs me but I can’t play with them outside.
The moms that hate me for my blog talk to the moms that don’t and things get uncomfortable when I come out to talk to anyone. I can’t hang-out outside because I feel like I want to cry or like I did yesterday tell someone off for being so cruel and immature.
It started with the woman that lives across from me when I first moved in; I knew I was getting sized up. She acted like my friend and then talked over me and ignored me the next moment; the hot and cold passive aggressive game of controlling the social situation. It became apparent to me that she was the princess in the complex and she saw herself as ruling the hen roost; so to speak.
I tried to make friends with the other moms in my neighborhood; I tried to hold a community picnic; the ones who most opposed me didn’t show up; even though they were in town. Or the ones that did show up complained about how I ran it and that it shouldn’t cost them any money. It was a bitch fest to be honest but I tried to remain positive and hold the picnic anyway; even with the rumor that I was collecting the money to keep for myself; and even though I spent a couple of hundred dollars of my own money to hold the picnic. Being a single mom; it wasn’t easy but I was trying to bring about community spirit and I felt it was important to all the kids in the town housing complex. Oh; one rumor was that I was doing it for attention.
Anyway that was a struggle; when I went to school a couple of moms offered to help me out with daycare; my ex wouldn’t pay the daycare, one mother wouldn’t lay off; she kept saying it wasn’t about the money but if I didn’t pay her by such and such a time she wouldn’t baby sit for me. I asked her to please just hold in until I could get him to pay; but I was hounded mercilessly for money. She knew the intense stress I was under because of my ex; with school and being a single mom. I paid her and the other mom every cent I owed them and I was forced to drop out of school by the lawyers not being able to get my ex to pay up before they would quit. The stress caused me to get into a car accident the day I decided that I would have to give up and quit college.
These women all knew of my intense heartache at the loss of my marriage; they knew about his affair that he had while I was pregnant with my son; my sister’s death and the fight that I had to put up constantly against my ex to have him be fair in the divorce that he had caused. They knew and know I have no family; I have no help; I have no one.
When I wrote the blog and posted (The Divine Feminine 1 -6) they were all on my facebook; I put up two warning post stating that I was going to post the sensual photography of myself to express The Divine Feminine. The one that lives right across from me that opposes me the most; her husband was also on my facebook. He was second from the top of my facebook profile for viewing the Divine Feminine. Right after I posted The Divine Feminine; the very next day upon picking up my kids from school not one of them would give me eye contact; I could tell that they were talking about me to each other like little school girls telling secrets. It was very immature and cruel and very obvious! I started to talk to one of the moms about a facebook friend that we had in common; she rolled her eyes and walked away from me and a head of me. I confronted her on her rudeness on the walk home. I was told she didn’t want to talk to me about men who were attracted to me; I was told I was a selfish mom for writing the blog and for expecting other people to read it. I felt she was saying that I was selfish for posting my sensual photos.
The next day it was the same and then some of them joked around on facebook about starting a blog to teach others how to love themselves. I confronted this as well with a phone call; I was told I was paranoid. Every time I tried to confront the issues of their pettiness and insecurities in an adult manner I have been called names or told I am imagining things.
When I went to school to get my kids again and the same happened with the gossiping about me as if I wasn’t there as if we were all children attending the elementary school ourselves. This time I confronted them on facebook; telling the woman who lives across from me to have the guts and the maturity to say it to my face. This is when her husband took it upon himself to attack me on facebook; saying that I was man crazy and ignoring my children for my blog and a bunch of other very cruel things that he chose to say to me; like I was now officially the Crazy Lady across the way. His retort was out of guilt as he was the one that read and re-read for the pictures The Divine Feminine. He was calling me down to help him get over his own guilt.
Yesterday when I confronted one of the other husbands and his wife I was told that I betrayed their trust on posting about my experience with all these women and their husbands as I judged them as they judged me by exposing to them all of their imperfections. This was to show them that they had no right to point fingers at me as we all know when you point a finger in judgment at anyone else there are three pointing back at you. This couple had trouble with their sex lives; they have strict puritan values; he was turning to looking at porn occasionally because his natural needs were not being met. (Just being a guy really) anyway yesterday he started to lecture me about rebuilding trust with them after posting this about them. But his lecture to me sounded like a lecture that he got from a marriage councilor about rebuilding trust in his marriage with his wife and he told me I should get see a councilor; I was trying hard not to laugh; it was hard; he was telling me I would have to walk on eggshells with them to prove I was trustworthy again. All I could think about was poor guy!
I guess the point is they are all putting their insecurities and shortcomings onto me. I make the women uneasy because I am confident in my own skin; I make their husbands uneasy for the same reason.
I am a woman doing for myself; it is me with my babies; I am constantly moving them to higher ground. I have taken on my ex and his cruelty; I have taken on their cruelty. I have worked very hard to get a name for myself in Kelowna’s art community. I am working very hard at my blog and it is being successful with the amount of traffic on it. I am almost finished writing my book. I am living my dreams and working hard in spite of what others do to me and throw at me.
I think that I make some people uncomfortable because I do so much as a single mom; I don’t sit around and gossip; smoke and text on my deck ignoring my kids. I don’t talk other people down to make myself feel better. I do things; I accomplish things; I talk to my kids and I play with my kids and I take care of myself too. I think that some people see this as an affront to them. As if I think I am better than them; you know they can do whatever they want; but just don’t come down on me for doing what I want. I posted about them to protect myself from being bullied by them in front of my kids. I posted about them to protect myself. I am their mother; they heard and are still hearing and seeing their emotional and mental abuse of me. My kids want to know why I am being picked on; I tell them because I have dared to stand out and try to make a difference. My girls have told me that once the book comes out they will pick on me more and call me selfish even more; because these women will not understand the art of the photography or the message of the book. My kids have seen the photography and they understand the message in the book. My kids are smart as most kids are smarter than we give them credit for. So we will have to move to keep all of us safe from prejudice. It is prejudice.
Yes I want a man in my life. But I have not found one who is willing and wanting to love me; just men who want to have sex with no strings attached. I know I am better than that; I know that I am a Goddess just as every woman is a Goddess. I deserve the best and I am making the best out of nothing.
I am a warrior and I will continue to charge into the fight and I will win; I will!