SUICIDE

by Grace

If you have googled SUICIDE and have come to this post you have lost hope. You see no light at the end of this tunnel and you want off this ride that we call life.

I have been here. It was just over two years ago that I felt I couldn’t live another day in the life I was living. I felt helpless to change the cause of events that led up to me being in that position.

It always seems to happen in threes doesn’t it?

I had postpartum depression ( because I knew my husband had started up an affair while I was in the third trimester of my pregnancy with our son ).. after my son was born the postpartum hit me like a dark storm cloud.. my then husband wanted nothing to do with me, I was left alone with our two young daughters and our infant son while he went out and had a life. This was the first unfortunate event.

The second was my sister; at 38 she was diagnosed with a brain tumor.. it took less than a month for her to die..during her death and after my then husband was very angry at me for bringing my problems into his life..

The third was his abandonment.. he decided with his friends to go on a guys trip to Mexico.. it was planned behind my back..and to this day I still don’t know if he took his mistress with him…

As you can see this was the straw that broke the Camels back.. I lost it.. who wouldn’t?!

I found myself unable to live in my life.. if you have looked up this post due to these thoughts and feelings you know exactly what I am talking about.

Yet my own mother had taken her own life.. I was only 13 at the time and I never got over her loss,, the feelings of anger and guilt.. of wondering what I could have done to stop it from happening..because of this I knew I couldn’t take my own life.

I got in my car and I drove.. I couldn’t shake the feeling of wanting to end my life.. I told myself that my children would be better off without me.. just when I started to do an emotional tail spin this song came on the radio.. I don’t know why..but for some reason it blared out.. so much louder than the radio actually was.. it was powerful.. it shocked me and shook me.. it seemed as if invisible hands held me..as if the Universe.. God..whatever you believe or don’t believe in.. LOVED ME..just when I felt hopeless and totally alone and unloved..suddenly with this song.. I FELT POWERFUL LOVE.. this is the song………

LYRICS:
Don’t give up
It’s just the weight of the world
When your heart’s heavy
I…I will lift it for you

Don’t give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I…I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don’t give up
Because you are loved

Don’t give up
It’s just the hurt that you hide
When you’re lost inside
I…I will be there to find you

Don’t give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I…I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don’t give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don’t give up
It’s just the weight of the world
Don’t give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved
Category:
Music
Tags:
• Josh Groban
• You Are Loved

As I listened to this song… I knew instantly that I had to get help.. I drove myself to the hospital..and I begged them to lock me up..to help me until I could help myself.. I knew deep inside of me that I had to fight for myself and for my children.. I knew that I had to fight through the intense pain to get to tomorrow..

My tomorrow is today.. I had to fight for months.. I stayed a week in the hospital.. my then husband left for Mexico the day before I was let out..he left me with grieving children and a huge hole in my heart and in our lives.. he never came back.

But later that year I went to Mexico all by myself.. I fought.. I won.. it took me to get to this point in my life to find the extent of my strength through this.. life is a lesson and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

My message of hope to you is this.. DON’T GIVE UP!

I have lost so much but I have gained so much in return.. my marriage was toxic..and it needed to end for me and for my kids.. it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

If I was still married to him, I would have never written this blog, I would not have done half the artwork that I have done.. I am on the verge and working on a new project, a book that I want to publish that I am very excited about.

My life has opened up! I have so many choices so many paths to go down now.

The end that you are facing now is doorway to a new begining.. you will spend sometime in a grey space for awhile and it will be scary.. but it will show you what you are made of.

I have faced death.. my mother’s death, my grandmother’s and my sister’s death.. I have had 4 misscarages.. I have had postpartum and a badly failed abusive marriage..

But this is a new day.. yours will come.. I promise

You are loved.. you don’t know me but I love you..

I love you as I write hope back into your life,

I love you

Don’t give up

Please go and google You Are Loved by Josh Groban..blast it and feel loved, love yourself enought to stay here with me

Advertisements