Most of my writing in the last bit is about getting a grip.. It seems to me that I have had a light go on inside of my head. Like all the murky, foggy crap is clearing away and the real me is showing it’s self to me. It’s a trip LOL.
I do believe that this is happening for many others too.. I do think it’s a line up in the planets..something in the universe that is making us all click.. a real good reality check.
The best thing about my writing on the blog..and about sharing it on facebook..is that through the interaction of my friends and readers..you have shown me who I really am.
It has been the men..who have really showed me my own game.. I know we all say no games and that we don’t want them..but what most of us don’t realise is that we play games with ourselves..and mine has been in the game of love..because deep down inside I have believed I don’t deserve a real, deep and simple love..the love that I crave..
Of course it goes way back to childhood..we like to think we all get over it…but that is a big mistake, because if you are not constantly aware of your own bullshit you fall victim to your own games..by saying.. ” I am over it…” Just by making that statement.. you start to play the game. The truth is this..we all carry around what we have experienced..the way to deal with it is to deal with it.. to ignore it leads to stupidity and brings you into darkness..this is just reality.
I have become very big on reality… cause you can’t start going anywere if you don’t have your feet on solid ground..so my game has been this.
I have chosen Mr. Unattainable..Mr. You Can’t Do Anything Right.. yup that has been my guy..
Because the game is an addiction..the game of trying to please the unpleasable..the guy that wants me to jump through the hoops..to try to show him..what I can do for him..to try to win his approval..but that is a big mistake cause he is addicted to the game to…the game is nothing in reality is good enough for him..because he hates to live in reality.
This is the guy that is always looking over the fence..there has to be, more money, more success, hotter women, more acknowledgement..there is always something…bigger and better around the bend.. Yup that’s him..
And so he choses me..cause he needs a player..to play along..and he can tell that I will do what it takes to try to reach his unattainable goals..because…stupid little me I see it as a challange..
So this is what I have done in the past when I first meet him..I try to second guess his every need and wish.. I try to please him ..to attract him..but ( “becareful what you wish for” is true ) because once in a relationship or any kind with him, he is exhausting.. he is a drain..a total pain in the ass..and then I start to blame him and he blames me and no happiness can be found..because there was no solid ground of reality to begin with.
I have lived in day dream land with him in my head.. I have waisted my time and my life.. living in a fantasy in the middle of the night..the fantasy of finally pleasing him.. In bed.. in daily life..in anyway…because in real life he can not be pleased..because he does the same as me..searches for the fantasy..he doesn’t live in reality..
So I am done with that.. Yup… now I know.. this bad guy has not room in my life.. and it took 14 years of a bad marriage and 2 years of dating the same type to get it..but at least each duration became shorter..as my spirit came to speak to me.. and it came to me in feelings of being smothered..of anger..thoughts of ” Who the fuck does this guy think he is?!”.. cause it’s just not him.. it takes two to play the game..
I fold.. I am done.. I walking away..
I walking towards a real healthy love..one based in reality..
Here I come!