The reasons for the post about the mock murders were to make my surrender..easier..and to kill off the past..even if only in my psycology or subconsciousness..that is the part of the mind that can influence ones behavior when one is not aware.. to commit the murders was to kill off the past in my mind..because in reality.. I had no way of venting my pain and my inability to make sense of these two people hurting me and my children.. one being their own father..
To kill them off was in essence putting a grave stone on the past…to clean my mental house..that being my mind of these thoughts and emotions that would hold me back from moving on…seriously if you have trouble forgiving anyone anything..you should write a story about offing them..it helps a lot.. We do it many times..with many people throughout or day to day lives..we go back and think to ourselves ” if only I had said this or done that”..but of course you can’t go back..but to write it out..and read it back to yourself.. you bring it out of the back or you mind and put it at rest..killing off the thoughts and emotions that are holding you back…it will help you to get over it.. while not seriously hurting anyone else…the only issue is getting over the guilt of your dark thoughts…but remember they are only thoughts not actions..to purge yourself..is to rid yourself of the negative energy..
I did this because I had already made up my mind to settle in the divorce with my ex..to surrender..a lot of money for my freedom..
I had a conversation at my gym with three people.. one worked for a bank..one was a councilor..the other was going through a divorce herself.. the banker told me to leave him with the risk of the house…the councilor told me she thought I had wasted enough of my life on the pain..that a money would not bring back the years fighting for it..that money wouldn’t take back all the stress induced fighting for it…and that my new life, my happiness and my health were priceless compared to the pain of fighting for it..she told me that..from what I had told her..he was not a man that would be moved..and that I would hit the wall with him constantly..it was not worth the time, energy, and the life that would be waisted…then the woman going through a divorce that was not nearly as difficult as mine told me that lawyers do indeed have it all maped out..that the money or assets that I would fight him for would only be eaten up in legal fees..that the system was indeed broken..that all I would have to show for it in the end would be to settle for the same amount..
During this conversation..it felt like the light went on..as if the burden had been lifted… I knew it was time to surrender..to walk away with my freedom.. my health..and my life..to stop the fight for the sake of mine and my children’s happiness…
Because I am ready for my new life… How can anything new or good enter in when there is so much negativity…he will never back down..and so he can fight himself… he can fight alone..