Climbing Out Of The Pit

by Grace

Since I started this blog.. I have been met by intense resitance by many.. I have been told to get over my shit..not to put a voice to sadness..and just basically what to do and how to do it..

I think the reason is that most of us don’t want to be faced with reality or our own weaknessess..we would rather watch some great TV..eat a bunch of crap that isn’t food for us and numb ourselves out..it is so much nicer than having someone like me saying lets take a good hard look at reality and face it…so we can be honest and make it better..make our lives better than just numbing ourselves with..food, booze or lithium..ahhh lithium some prescription drugs will take the edge off reality and pain..God forbid one to should have times of great happiness.. humor or joy as well..you might be bipolor or fucked in the head if you have an intense sence of humor like I do as well.. like writing about mock murder to get over the edge of the pain..to see the dark humor that lives within sorrow…God forbid you should face things down.. nope it is better I guess for some to remain plastic and face..

It’s funny to me how there have been some that think that because I write about spirituality that I should be a fucking saint..that because I am a mother.. a single mother (some said I say single mother to much..well fuck you that is my reality sister!) but because I am a single mother I am supposed to not want to have sex..even thought it is in all of our base nature to need and to like it..but God forbid.. I should wear the scarlet letter for my sinful nature.. ya fuck that!

I have had so many try to shut me up..level me down..undermind me..control me and even yes it seems just plain get me out of the way..

These last few months have been devistating to me.. I have been emotionaly pounded on..by a man that pretended to be my friend until he slept with me and then he did his best to rip me apart piece by piece..knowing my voulnerabilies..as did the people that live closest to me..as you have read and can see..then I have had to deal with an ex that it seems will not be happy until I am dead..and my sister and brother that have called me names and disowned me… I have become mostly alone in the world raising three children through this and summoning up the courage to write..and to express myself freely through this..

I am now including all the comments that say they are from Jesus del Torro Jesus Ramses the III.. ya right.. I have the email address and the shaw cable server code to prove that they come from Kelowna..and they sound exactly like Mike Tremblay..and the conversation on the blog took place after he left me heartbroken and used..this is that conversation that stopped as soon as I told him I knew it was him..as I did right from the start..telling by what he had said to me in other conversations..way to easy…

1. Jesus del Torro el Jesus Ramses III says:
December 20, 2011 at 6:15 pm (Edit)
” women out number men in the world’s population due to the fact that we out live men”
[Citation needed]
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o Grace says:
December 21, 2011 at 2:27 am (Edit)
Open Mind needed!
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 Jesus del Torro el Jesus Ramses III says:
December 21, 2011 at 11:58 am (Edit)
I am a very open minded person, but open minds have nothing to do with facts. You stated that women outnumber men because they live longer, yet failed to back this claim up in any way. It’s true that in general women live longer, but that doesn’t mean they outnumber men. In much of the Asian world, male children are much more valued than female children. This has lead to selective birth processes that have actually resulted in a deficit of females in these countries (Source: http://www.cicred.org/Eng/Seminars/Details/Seminars/FDA/FDscientificprogramme.htm). The thing is, there are an assload of factors that affect world population, and you can’t just look at one factor (in this case, the longer average lifespan of women) and assume that this means they outnumber men. It just doesn’t make any sense.
As a side note, even if women do outnumber men in the world population, it wouldn’t mean that Women’s Rights and Human Rights are synonymous.
2. Grace says:
December 21, 2011 at 2:12 pm (Edit)
Here is a fact for you ..if you don’t like the way or what I write about don’t read it..this is my blog and my writing …if I don’t want to bother posting were I got my information from I won’t..Run your own life and your own blog the way you see fit..the fact that women out number men world wide is a well know common fact.
Seriously…women are human beings and therefore it is very easy to see that women’s rights are human rights.. you have a problem with that..go be the cave man you are making yourself out to be and go crawl back into your cave…
Because of your agressive attitude I will no longer let you post on my blog!
I will put your comments into the trash were they belong and then I will mark you as spam.
Go write your work!
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o Jesus del Torro el Jesus Ramses III says:
December 21, 2011 at 5:07 pm (Edit)
I think I misrepresented myself with my last statement, actually. I’m very pro-women’s rights, I’m a man but I consider myself a liberal feminist. I’m saying that Women’s Rights include many unique and distinct aspects than just the blanket definition of Human Rights. If men were in the majority populationwise, it wouldn’t be correct to say that Human Rights and Men’s Rights were the same thing. By saying Women’s Rights and Human Rights aren’t the same thing, I don’t mean that Women’s Rights are any less important, because they aren’t. I don’t remember telling you to calm down either. Honestly, it doesn’t bother me if you are calm or not.
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3. Grace says:
December 21, 2011 at 2:15 pm (Edit)
Oh and I am not going to calm down…as a free woman in a free country I can tell you to GO FUCK YOURSELF!…Cause I am all for freedom of speach JERK!
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o Jesus del Torro el Jesus Ramses III says:
December 21, 2011 at 5:08 pm (Edit)
If you’re all for freedom of speech, why are you persecuting me for speaking freely?
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4. Grace says:
December 21, 2011 at 2:26 pm (Edit)
I have had all kinds of people on this blog say all kinds of things to me..some very bad..but I will not tolerate Dictatorship…I will not let you tell me how to think..or how to write..I will not let anyone do this to me or to anyone else…you truly piss me off!
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5. Grace says:
December 21, 2011 at 5:33 pm (Edit)
I knew you were going to say that! You are telling me how to run my blog and how to write my work..you are a right fighter..meaning that you loose sight of the cause just to try to prove your piont..if you cared about women’s rights then you would be pleased with the work not trying to pick it apart for the sake of picking it apart..why do you need me to cite to you all of my research? Why do you need all of these facts lined up an organized for you?
To me you seem like what I call ” a little Hitler” if you can gain power and ego from the smallest detail it gives you some resembalance of power.
You are only interested in bickering not in sticking to the subject and seeing the big picture…stop
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o Jesus del Torro el Jesus Ramses III says:
December 23, 2011 at 2:52 am (Edit)
It’s a little presumptuous to compare someone you don’t even know to Hitler. What if I was Jewish? What if I had lost family members in the Holocaust? Besides, let’s be honest, this blog isn’t going to change the world or make any great strides for women’s rights. There’s nothing wrong with just having personal blog for your thoughts and all that, but don’t lie to yourself. The oppressors of women around the world aren’t going to read this and suddenly stop. Picking apart things on a blog isn’t hindering women’s rights in any way. I need facts lined up because when someone makes a baseless claim as a part of their argument on a subject, it weakens their opinion in the eyes of others. Also, it’d be a little weird if I could feed my ego by posting anonymously on an obscure blog. I don’t do this because of my ego, I do it because it amuses me.
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6. Grace says:
December 21, 2011 at 5:35 pm (Edit)
like I said if you want things writen a certain way..do it yourself!
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o Jesus del Torro el Jesus Ramses III says:
December 23, 2011 at 2:53 am (Edit)
I don’t want it done that bad. Besides, have you heard of constructive criticism? Telling someone they have made a baseless claim on their site isn’t an attack, it’s pointing out something in your writing that could be improved upon to give merit to the opinion expressed in that writing. You’re welcome.
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7. Grace says:
December 23, 2011 at 4:06 am (Edit)
I think you need a spanking! Go and read that post! I also think you need to get laid..and really well!
It’s obvious you don’t have a life..your sexually frustrated and that’s why you feel the need to over think everything..and try to make it my problem.
The reason you were draw to this blog in the first place was because of my pictures..why don’t you go and read The Divine Feminine posts…and masturbate yourself in to some peace and more rational thouhght.
Now that amuses me!
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o Jesus del Torro el Jesus Ramses III says:
December 23, 2011 at 11:55 am (Edit)
How is it obvious I don’t have a life? You do far more writing on this site than I do in my comments. Could I infer then that if my commenting indicates that I have no life, that you yourself have even less of one?
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8. Grace says:
December 23, 2011 at 4:21 am (Edit)
I just had the most amusing thought!
You need a good blow-job..don’t you..you crave it..have to have it..have fantasys about it..Yup a really good…suck you dry..make your eyes cross and you toes curl-up..make you cry..make you weep..and pray to a God you thought you forgot..turn your big brain to jelly..suck and swallow..and suck until your empty and you have to beg for it to stop because the sensitivity of you penis is to painful to keep going…….YUMMY!
Who better than to give it to you than you!
You know what you like Right?
And if you are big enough you should be able to manage quite nicely…go on spoil yourself!
Hey you brought up amusement…you don’t want to go there with me…I see humor and amusement in everything..I can use it to turn anything and anyone on there head and on their ass…
Cause thats being a liberated smart, funny and beautiful woman.
As far as changing the world..it happens in tiny ripples..this was and is one….dumbass!!
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o Jesus del Torro el Jesus Ramses III says:
December 23, 2011 at 11:53 am (Edit)
I see humour and amusement in everything too! So why wouldn’t I want to go there? In fact, you just brought me more amusement by saying that you can turn anyone on their head and on their ass, and by then listing a bunch of positive traits about yourself. Nothing wrong with self confidence, but I gotta say, for someone who talks about the pitfalls of the ego so much, you do seem to do a good job of inflating your own. Maybe someday you’ll learn to add “humility” to smart, funny and beautiful. And who doesn’t crave a good blow job? I’d treat myself, but alas, I’m of average size, and below average flexibility. What can you do? Well, I guess you’ve shown me. If you can’t literally suck your own dick, you can always do it metaphorically. Cause (sic) thats (sic) being a liberated, smart, funny and beautiful person who can turn anything and anyone on there (sic) head and on there (sic) ass, right? You may think me a dumbass, but at least I’m not a jackass.
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9. Grace says:
December 23, 2011 at 1:22 pm (Edit)
hahahah that was great! I loved it.. I have been looking forward to your reply all day..I do have an ego…if you read it through you would see that an ego is a person’ s personality..it is a healthy sence of who they are..one thing is for sure here with you showing any humility would be folly as you would just use it as tool for manipulation..as you are trying to use everything for manipulation….
Hmmm sorry I can see right through it…sorry to hear of your size preDICKament!!!! LOL LOL LOL
maybe you can head out to closing time and find someone drunk enought to help you out….
I take it your not very flexable then?
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10. Grace says:
December 23, 2011 at 1:30 pm (Edit)
I do love it when you use my own words against me ” ITS HOT”
it shows me that your not capable of your own orginal thought!
Thats why you like others quotes cause you can’t come up with anything to be excited or passionate about on your own…
so sad..well I hope it helps to jab at me…
you are the mouse and I am the cat..this is fun!
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o Jesus del Torro el Jesus Ramses III says:
December 25, 2011 at 7:15 pm (Edit)
No one’s the mouse, no one’s the cat, we’re just 2 irrelevant people saying nothing to each other over the internet. Using a quote from someone to illustrate a point against them isn’t a lack of original thought, it’s an easy way to get your point across. Of course, at this point I shouldn’t be surprised to you fail to understand me. What can you expect from someone who is a grown adult and yet can’t properly correspond with their lawyer without making inappropriate emotional outbursts? And who then posts the transcripts of these conversations online to seek validation for their childish actions? I’m done. It’s over, you win, fuck it I don’t care because this is clearly a logic-free zone. Keep jumping to those conclusions, It’s been real.
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11. Grace says:
December 26, 2011 at 3:12 am (Edit)
I can see you are upset..that this little game has gotten to you..you hate me because you love me..you hate because I am everything that you want in yourself and woman but you have not been able to have it..not yet.
But if you could see that you are more than just like me…if you could see that our souls are made from the same energy that all creation runs from and goes back to..
Than you could love me..than you could see that this game always existed inside of you..and inside of me..as a away to bring forth creation..to cause manifestation.
What I do here on this blog is simply this…I love all of myself..the good, the bad..the ugly..and the brilliant parts of my soul.
I am only human as are you..we were all born to make mistakes…my conception was a mistake..as many are
But this mistake that I am makes me beautiful..for I am a child of God
No matter how many names you may call me..no matter how much you may try to undermind me..I have purpose and it is simply this….
To take off the masks..that society causes us to wear..for our own social protection from one another…from games such as this..
This has been a perfect example..
Let me tell you who I am…
I am lovable….I am unlovable
I am beautiful…I am ugly
I am whole…..but I am empty
I am not lonely…but I am all alone
I am a bitch…and I am sweet
I am caring…and I don’t give a shit
I am love ……and I am hate
I am a contradiction!..Because I am human..because this is my soul…
I am the light and I am the dark..but together they cause creation
They cause the compulsion to create and to bring forth more..
When you hate me you hate yourself..when you speak to me this way..I am your mirror and you are mine..we are learning here together…
That love and hate..are one.
My mission is to show the world through using myself and by using conversations such as ours..that it is OK to love all of yourself.
Once we love all of us the masks come off and we are freed from our own internal slavery..
Shame inhibits us from accepting our own reality…to say I am not perfect is perfection….it is the contradiction of creation.
Have a Merry Christmas…I love to hate you..and hate to love you
in saying that..am I speaking to you our to me?
we are one under the light of God!
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12. Grace says:
December 26, 2011 at 3:42 am (Edit)
Logic has it’s place as a foundation for theory..theory uses logic as a spring board.
All scientific theory..is based on a small fraction of logic..that is then used to connect it’s self to the imagination..it is in the internal space of the soul..that the human race learned how to see around corners…it is by knowning in the wisdom of the soul..that all great thought and theory has brought forth great invention and higher understanding..
Before the first aircraft lifted off the ground..the entire concept was thought to be irational..crazy…
Man was not suposed to fly…
But the basic logic of the natural forces of creation and the intense imagination of a human being caused the first flight to become reality..
The fact..( if you will accept it as fact..as fact it’s self is up for debate )..is that the aircraft had to fly first in the imagination for it’s manifestation into physical reality could take place..
Fact it’s self is not fact as we know it..it is all illusion..as there is only perception…it is only what is taken in by our eyes and related through are brains that we can concieve as fact..it is is filtered this way is it truly fact..?
Or is it all a hollogram..or our own imagination..?
This is the contradition…?
This is were knowledge meets wisdom..which is greater knowledge or wisdom?
They are both needed to know and build upon each other..with out the other…there would be no balance..
Such as male and female..we need each other to sustain each other..each different..but the same..
contradiction?
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13. Grace says:
December 26, 2011 at 4:27 am (Edit)
I think your a fake..I looked your name up on facebook..nothing..on Jesus del Torro Jesus Ramses III
I can tell in by my email your living in Kelowna..that your server is Shaw Cable…With such a Mexican or Hispanic name you would think that that heritage would be felt in you writing but it isn’t..
At least I have the nerve to be completely myself..and nothing but myself..I have the the nerve to lay it all out on the..line…
I am even wondering if you were the last guy I dated as he would say that he thought commenting on my blog is ” amusing”
he sounds just like you..his name is Mike…
He lives in Kelowna
His is bitter and alone on Christmas
He is jaded and he grasps at logic and fact the way you do..
Because his false and fake world are all he has
If you are him and even if you are not
I hope you find peace

As you can see it was all just a game to him as I am just a little thing to toy with.. cruel.. yes

Now to change the subject this is a conversation with me and a former face book friend and neighbour..this is about the last post..it is self explanitor.. I am trying to show by this.. how I must stand up for myself constantly

o The reason I took you off of facebook had nothing to do with the others…I just had a very hard time with the Murder stories. It crossed a line for me and I didn’t want to see any more. I am my own person and the others did not influence me. if so I would have deleted you long ago. Kerry is one of my best friends and I am hurt by what you have said about her and the other ladies who are also my good friends. They are all hurt. I think you have done what you wanted to and now can it please all stop!! I hate all of this drama! I don’t like to be mentioned on a blog that anyone can read as well. I have an amazing husband and yes every couple has issues but we work through it and we are very much in love. Please dont mention any of us on your plog any more and especially don’t post pics!
Thanks,
Barb

29 minutes ago
Grace Ackerman- Morin
o Barb I will not remove this post… If you had a problem with my writing about the mock murders you should have had the given me the respect of telling my why before unfriending me… I will keep the post up as an example of why not to judge others..everything I said on the post is true to the best of my knowledge.. I did not use your last name..or the others.. What was said about Marrisa, Jess, Carrie and Barc was said on my..face book by them admittedly.. I could see Barc viewing the Divine Feminine post second to the top..that is the truth.. I do not like the drama..that is why I posted this in the first place..and yes I know that every marrage is work..that life is work and we all have faults..I am just sick of people in glass houses throwing stones at mine.. I am glad that you and I hope all of them have seen the post that was my intention to bring this out of the dark and into the light of reason as it seems I have entered highschool again upon moving here I am sick of all of this..it is not fair how I have been treated I am trying to show all of you how it feels to be judged as not you as much as the others have judged me..but if you were concerned about my feelings at all you would have sent me a private message such as this explaining why you had unfriended me on facebook..

13 minutes ago
Barb
o You do make a good point. I should have emailed and let you know why. I am sorry I didn’t.

3 minutes ago
Grace Ackerman- Morin
o Barb I have nothing against you..I am just sick and tired of people toying with me.. it isn’t fair..here all three of them are walking to school in a fricken pack..and it seems Barc is being sarcatic with me infront of my kids..my kids were right there with me when he put that shit up about me on facebook they saw how upset I was..Tessa is old enought to understand what he is doing.. they are trying to create drama with me infront of my kids they want me to freak out but I am trying my best to ignore them for the sake of my kids..it is just plain sick.. like I said I put up two warning post before putting my pics up.and the pictures show no more than you would see in a fashion mag..they are art..and if people can’t see that, it isn’t my problem it is their problem.. just because I can express my sexuality and be intouch with my sexuality doesn’t make me a slut or a tramp or cheap or a whore.. It is all art and expression to me… I am not even having sex but because I am a single mom and I dated and did have sex sometime this year.. I am labeled a slut…it is the year 2012 but it’s like we have slipped back in to Quarker ficken times here in the hood.. I am not sorry that they are hurt.. I am only telling the truth as I can see it.. I am only saying what is being done to me.. I am being bullied by them and I will stand up for myself.. I will not take it anymore from anyone.. I can not hit or become violent but I can take the fight upstairs as a friend of mine put it once.. Upstairs up to the brain and higher thought as that is where I stand the best fighting chance against ignorant people who judge just so that they don’t have to look at their own weaknessess

The piont is we all have faults..inside and out..they have no right to tell me who I am or who they think I should be.. I will stand up and I will fight that every single time

I am sorry that you feel in the middle of it.. you didn’t ask for this as I didn’t ask for it..

Now I am going to show you an email that I sent to Jesus del Torro Jesus Ramses the III.. ya right LOL

anyway this will show you how it feels to fall into The Pit of Dispare..as this is where I was lastnight.. I felt hopless and sad.. I cryed myself to sleep..as it felt like it all had become to much..so much pressure from everyone so much pain..I cracked..and this is what I wrote him

DEEPEST DARKEST SECRET

I am nothing

My life has amounted to nothing

I have not made a difference in living

I am unlovable

I am not strong I am so weak sometimes it is hard to breath

My writing about self love is in the hope that one day I will love myself

One day someone will love me

One day I can make a difference

But up until now.. I have done nothing but try and I have gotten no where

I have painted, written essays..had children.. married..worked hard my entire life.. worked out so hard that some days I can’t keep upright or keep my eyes open

I have fought so hard

I have strived everyday..but I haven’t gotten any were but backwards..

I am getting older..as you found out in person.. I do look better in my pictures as they hide all my faults

I have not been loved my entire life..( my kids don’t count,,, its biological,,they have to love me)

I have never fit in any were.. I have always been on the outside looking in ( my poor kids having me for their mother).. I feel sorry for them I honestly do

One day they will slowly detach from me so that they can fit in..they will have to.

You wouldn’t want to be with me…because I am the gray space.. I am empty and I am filled with nothingness

If there is a God.. God waisted his/her time on me giving me talents that I can’t get any were with

I can’t get published and no gallery in the Okanagan will show my work.. I am joke

There you have it lots and lots of ammunition if you chose to use it..

The point is I don’t love myself sometimes I can’t stand myself or my life..and I can understand why others can’t stand me too

This is the truth of how I felt..this is facing the pain..and being very honest with it.. you may say that you have never felt this way..but I doubt it..we have all felt this way..we all have the little goblins in our head telling us these things and it is very human to feel them..and it is very human to want to make them go away by numbing the self with drugs..booze and other things..but to face the pain is to minimize it..don’t tranquilize youself..face you deepest darkness..that is how one becomes stonger… make friends with your goblins..and then suddenly they become less frightening and more silly and cute..as you forgive yourself for you weakest moments by loving them even when you feel like you you are unloveable..when you feel broken and that others have won…

It is like taking back the night..walk in the darkness open your eyes..

If this post bothers you it is probably because you fear this truth or you fear truth..you resist your own weaknesses by seeing mine..

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