I wrote this lullaby for my children..I am sure you know that all lullabys are soft songs that are sung to children to send them off to sleep.. this one is just perfect for a child that is sad or angry; a child that has just exhausted themselves with tears and just needs to be held..sung to softly…and most of all loved………..
There are these time in life when everything seems to be wrong,
so heavy that you feel you can not carry on…
Let the tears fall sweet and true
the tears fall strait out of you..
These times are when the tears seem thick,
heavy and full with disappiontment…
Sometimes we need to cry alone,
when no one is at home, we just want to be alone..
Sometimes we need someone to hold on to,
Someone to cling to as these tears are so strong,
we need someone to help us hold on..
We all visit this place of sorrow and heartache from time to time,
We all know it well…
I understand this urge the need to purge the tears inside,
to cleanse your heart of what rips you apart…
Of course these feelings, words..this song..is for adults too..we all have been to this place in our hearts.
This post is about parenting and mothering through the worst. My daughter is experiencing a broken heart..the first time it happened to her was when her father first left, just over two years ago. It had affected her fresh again because he moved back into the marital home with his girlfriend.. The kids spent two weeks of the Christmas holidays with them in the house ( I knew in my heart that this would hurt them ) My 10 year old daughter has not been the same since.. She started having nighmares again, sleep walking and having emotional outburst.. She started to have deep sadness..that seems like depression. It has been breaking my heart. She has expressed that she feels that her father has forgotten her or that he will completly..( this makes me so sad ).. I have asked him to spend more time with them and for a father that is soon to be offically divorced he does..but for Robyn it has not been enough.
This weekend.. just last night he dropped them off, but Robyn would not let her daddy go..she clung to him..begging him not to leave..begging him to take her back to his house just for one more night.. he is not working right now as the landscaping business is seasonal but he still wouldn’t do it..and I can’t make him and yelling at him wouldn’t help her. I had to hold my peace and tell him that he had to work it out with her.. just take the time..but he wouldn’t. I had to take her in crying and screaming.. It broke my heart..but I kept calm..I let her cry, kick the walls, slam the doors and scream.
She needed to.. she was so frustrated that she couldn’t have her father the way she needed him. Robyn cryed all night..she wept off and on..she was in and out of my bed..her heart was breaking and she told me so..she was in pain and as her mother I was too.. to see your child in agony is ..it just feels like to much.. I prayed to God to please give me the answer.. to give me the strength.. please God, please help me to dig deep emotionally for my little girl.. please help me to help my child through this dark night.
The night was long..so long as the answer just didn’t come in the night..and sleep didn’t not come to us.. but I stood strong and I was just present..with her in her pain as that was all I had..
This morning..she broke down again..
This time I left her alone.. just like when she was a newborn I knew she just had to cry..to cry it out and release her pain.. her heartbreak..but when she calmed down I went into talk to her..
“Robyn..what has changed?” I asked her softly “After Christmas you became so sad..can you tell me why so I can help you?”
Then she said the saddest thing ” Mommy since Chritmas I have been wishing on the stars outside my bedroom window that you and daddy would love each other and we could all move back into the house again.”
I knew she was probably feeling this way..but to hear her say her little hearts wish killed me a little inside..because I knew it would never come true..
I told her why ” sweety..daddy has a girlfriend but even if he didn’t I would not go back to daddy again because daddy doesn’t understand that he has done anything wrong..and I just learned what I did wrong..so I can’t even be mad at him..but I know that he will not see..that love has to be shared equal between two people..daddy was raised to believe that only a man’s needs matter in a relationship..but you know..so was I and that is why mommy and daddy married..but now I know better.. I know that both partners should hold each other up..that both people in a relationship should be themselves and have their own identities while being in a partnership..but daddy doesn’t understand that.. he might one day..but the trust between us is gone sweety..”
Robyn said ” That is what grandpa does to grandma ( my exes parents) he always tells her that her food isn’t good enough..and grandma does everything for him,,she doesn’t have friends and grandma doesn’t drive or even work mommy.”.. “Yes.” I said ” that is what daddy grew up with and my mommy and daddy had a similar relationship..she did everything for him and if she didn’t she was told she was bad or what she did was not good enough..but daddy doesn’t know he does it..and because of that mommy and daddy can’t get back together.”
“But.” I said to my daughter ” I just learned that what I was doing wrong..so that will help me forgive your father..did you know that even Jesus says ” forgive them father for they know not what they do.” that means when someone hurts you or does something bad..that we should try to understand and forgive them..daddy doesn’t realise how much you are hurting..so we have to try to forgive him.” then I said to Robyn ” I have to forgive myself..because I married your dad and brought you into the world to become apart of this pain..but I didn’t know what I was doing..it is hard for me not to blame myself for your heartache..but I have to give myself credit..cause I have learned.”
My daughter and I hugged as she cryed some more in my arms..but her tears were softer now.. not as painful and harsh..the storm of emotion was passing..it had been a very long 12 hours.
“Mommy.. how come daddy has a girlfriend but you don’t have a boyfriend?” my daughter asked
” because, I had to learn my mistakes first.. I don’t want people going in and out of your life or mine.. I don’t want you getting attached to someone who is not right for us only to have your heartbreak some more..He has to be right for all of us.. he has to love you as much as he loves me..and he has to spend time with all of us and understand that you kids come first.. I need to set a good role model before you.. to show you a good healthy relationship.. I will be alone until that happens.”
“Robyn.” I asked her ” do you have a second wish?” “Yes mommy.. I would like daddy to spend more time with me.”.. this made me sad again as I knew I couldn’t change his choices.. then I told my daughter ” Robyn we are putting all your emotional power on what your dad does or doesn’t do for you.. is there any other way that we can fill your heart?”
Just then her sister, my older daughter Tessa came into the room and joined our conversation..she said ” I had a dream that you got us hamsters.” I laughed and replied ” Nice try Tessa.” but I saw a spark in Robyn’s eye.. her little soul ignite as she said ” Tessa really did have that dream the other night mommy..she told me so.” it was then I remembered years ago getting kitten after I had a miscarrage at 4 1/2 months.. I remembered how much animals can help you heal when you have a broken heart.. My children were watching my face..they know me well..and they lept for joy.. when I told them ” YES ”
Maybe God gave Tessa the dream.. stinky hamsters it is 😉
I feel the need to lighten up and have some fun.. what better way then writing embarassing stories about myself.. yup these wonderful, goofy and .. maybe sexy things did happen to me.. I didn’t see them as sexy at all but I guess some guys might.. men don’t think like us ladies.. let just face that fact..it is what it is..
My first swimsuit mishap happened when I was a very young woman.. just a girl really.. I was given this one piece swimsuit.. I love it..the stripes went down and not accross.. many told me it made my little figure look great.. it had big red plastic hoops attaching the swimsuit to the straps that went around my neck.. I wore it all summer.. It was my tried and true outfit..
One day my sisters and my our bestfriends decided to go down to the local pool.. this was in Langley B.C… it was the hieght of the summer, so the pool was super busy.. it was teaming with people..
I loved to dive in off the diving board..and then I would scrape my tummy on the bottom like a dolfin.. I did this over and over again..each time heaving myself out of the pool..not even using the latter as it was so busy with all the people.. it took to long..and I was young and strong.. I used only my arms..and ran back to the diving board to do it again..
I went deep and swished myself up and right to the edge of the pool and heaved out with my arms..but this time as I lifted my legs out my swimsuit… slipped right off my legs and into the pool.. can you imagine how suddenly things got quiet..like a domino affect..a hush spread and heads turned.. I was totally and completely NAKED!..YUP!
The life gaurd thought on his feet.. he grabed his big towel and wrapped it around me..and pushed me into the change room as I was frozen.. yes I was..totally frozen! If he had not of done that I do not know what I would of done..of course I never..lived it down..
My next story is just as goofy maybe even more so… we were at a church pool-picnic party.. in a non-heated pool.. they did have the pool heated but it had broken down just in time for the party.. no one was swimming..but being the athletic girls we were..we would have none of that..the trick was not to get your face wet so that you could keep your eye make-up on..and so heated or not we went for a swim..this time a had a bikini on.. I swam around the pool fast..trying to keep warm.. I got my back stroke on.. yup I had it going on good..all the guys on the deck were staring at me in amazment… My sister and my friend yelled over from the other side of the pool for me to come over..but I told them I was busy getting my back stroke on.. my arms were swishing backwards over my head.. I thought I look really sexy.. ahahaha.. I did!.. cause my sister and my friend came swimming over to me frantically..and they told me ” Gracie your boob is hanging out and that’s why all the guys are starring at you goof!”..
Ahhh yes the water was so cold that I didn’t feel my swimsuit shift as I was numb..and with the water being cold and the sun shinning right down on my boob the guys got a really good show!
Ok.. OK this one is even better.. true stories remember.. haahhahaaha
I had found this neat little butter cream swimsuit from the 60s in a thrift store.. I loved it.. it was so teeny weeny and pretty too.. and it fit perfectly this little bikini.
The first time I wore it swimming was at City Park.. right here in Kelowna B.C….
The beach was very busy.. people from all over the world..tourist season.. it was a perfect hot bright sunny day..
We put our towels down and tanned for a while..checked out the hottest guys..got checked out too of course..
I decided to go down to the other end of the beach for a swim by myself.. as I walked down the beach after my swim everyone it seemed was looking at me… Ya..I thought I am sexy… this swimsuit makes me look hot!
By the time I got down to the otherside of the beach I had dried off.. it was so fricken hot!.. We joked around for a bit..ate some chips and pop…listened to some music and then I got hot again and I went in for another swim… It was great..and as I got out of the water I noticed how much I was getting checked out again.. my sister came running up to me with a towel and swung it around me..” what the hell are you doing?” I said pissed off and shocked..” Your swimsuit is totally see-through when it is wet..come and see in the bathroom..”.. ohh shit! LOL
Yup sure enough as I took off the towel.. it was like a second skin.. you could see everything…oh shit!
There you have it.. I hope I made you laugh.. go ahead and laugh at me or with me or whatever..as long as you laugh!
I was writing this email to someone that I dated.. it didn’t workout as usuall.. but this time for the first time in my life.. I know why.. as the old saying goes ” know thy self” and ” To thine own self be true.”.. I just figured out a big one!.. here is the email.
I figured it out! I figured everything out!
I want you to read this but I am writing it more for myself.
IT IS ALL MY FAULT!
IT REALLY IS!
I SABOTAGED EVERYTHING, RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING!
Here is why.
I am afraid of love cause I don’t know what it is!
Since my father didn’t love me, I don’t know what healthy love is from a man.
Since I don’t know what it is I am afraid to experience it so I sabotage it!
I did it right when we first met. When you didn’t respond to me and I panicked and wrote you a nasty email.
I did it right there and then!
But it didn’t start with you. It started with my very, very first relationships with men. I chose men that I knew wouldn’t love me the way that was healthy and true because that would make me accountable to myself.
I HAVE GOT IT!
If I didn’t have to put all my attention on the drama and the crap of an unhealthy relationship then I could put that energy into me!
I could put that energy into being accountable and responsible for myself!
Oh My God.. you were right!
I have pushed love away from me.. you were not the one at fault at all it was me!
It has always been me!
The night that I met my ex.. he was going on and on about his ex girlfriend.. I felt the flags go up..but I went into a relationship with him..because it was all about the self sabotage… OMG.. I am my own worst enemy.. it is all my own fault.
With Adrian my neighbour.. I knew he was a shit..but I messed with him anyway.. cause I am afraid to be loved by a good man.. because that would make me accountable and I just didn’t know how to do it!
Same with Doug.. I suspected he wasn’t over his ex and that he was a jealous control freak..but I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.. I was hiding from true love… I WAS, I WAS HIDING!
OMG.. it has been me the entire time.. me! I did it!
I HAVE HURT MYSELF… it wasn’t you hurting me or being hurtful.. it was me the entire time..
I have wrote myself into awareness… my deepest darkest secret..so deep I kept it from self!
I have been hiding from love.
Every time I write you.. I push you away and then I blame you..but it’s me.. it has always been me!
This is the KEY!… now I can set myself free.
I have listened to my own mean voices in my head; telling me to give up; that I am not good enough.
Just when I am almost there my mean self talk begins to bring me down with a thud.
And then others say.. I told you so, your dreams are a joke, you will never reach the stars, because of who you are.
Then I fall.. I fall.. I fall sooooooo hard, that all the canyons in the earth are the marks of my pain.
I fall through the bottom and into the pit, I am wounded, broken, shattered and forgoten.
Oh why can’t I just give up.. oh why do I think I can fly?
They call my crazy, they say I am insane.. to think I can live my dreams instead of dreaming them away.
My wings are broken and hurt like my heart.. oh I have fallen, I have fallen so hard.
This is not the first time; I have been through this before, like many fallen Angels and many fallen stars.
This is only temporary as my wounds heal to scars; my battle wounds are many as I have fallen hard over and over again.
I have been trying to reach the stars and make my home in heaven…were I know I belong.
I put my wings back together, re-build them and repair my broken heart..and then I slowly climb out of this mess.
I make a fresh start.
I find the highest place to take a leap of faith.
I can not give up because I believe!
I believe that I was made to fly.. you may think it insanity..
But I know that I am a STAR like all the others that shine above me.
So I strap on my wings and I leap to my Dreams…
One day you will see me on shinning up high!