TREASURE

Self discovery through the sharing of my free book TREASURE

Month: December, 2011

Trade…. a love poem

Trade…. a love poem.

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Trade…. a love poem

You took away what wasn’t yours to take

You stole away what was supposed to be a trade

When I gave my heart to you, you were supposed to give my yours too.

But you cheated me

You took mine and you kept your heart too.

You are a theif

You are a lier

You played me up

You saw me soar

Then you shot me down

You saw me fall

You felt the thrill

Of watching me hit the ground

Then in my weakness and in my pain you stole my heart away.

You claim to have so many anyway

Whats one more heart to you?

Give it back to me

Thats what you should do….

ME, Men….and what I want in a man..that I am not getting….

ME, Men….and what I want in a man..that I am not getting…..

ME, Men….and what I want in a man..that I am not getting….

I have had a hell of a time with men….as you have read LOL…what I want is a guy with a bit of an edge..that is ballsy and makes some trouble..but I don’t want a total bad ass…that is what I have found up to this piont in time.

I was attracted to Mikey…because he had wit and he had the edge that I was looking for..the way of looking at the world like it is there for your entertainment…at least that is what he seemed to be..he could of just been playing me after reading my writing..he had a good look in my head.

But he was smart and he was funny…he was good in bed but he need help with that too..all the men that I have been with need some training..ohhhh men. They have very sensitive egos when it comes to their equipment and how they use it on women…the thing is I like tough manly men..the problem with that is they have a ton of testosterone,,this makes them rough and raunchy in bed..women like a little bit of roughness but not many of us like raunchy..most of all we hate it when men talk about other women in bed..the things that they did to the other women that they “THINK” they satisfied them but they probably didn’t…on his facebook he says that men can fake a relationship if women can fake an orgasum…ya well he must of had a lot of fakers to put that up…says a lot I think…but anyway he had the humor, the wit,,he wasn’t great looking but he had that little boy quality that I like..that ” I am trouble” but in a cute sort of way..but…I guess he was faking it..just like his facebook profile picture says….lots of manipulation..

That is one thing I can’t stand is to be manipulated..he put something up on his facebook about the vagina being like a engine the very next day after he slept with me..when I was shocked and angry he said I was jumping to conclusions..funny how guys say that..and then they say women are crazy..they actually do call that ( crazy making behavior) it is a common thing that manipulative men do to undermind women..they take your mind away from you by doing and saying things to women to make them react..then when you react to their cruelty and selfishness they say “your crazy woman!”…ya it is play tactic..well played and planned so that they can get out of their responsibility..

My responsibility in this is that I took a risk on him..I knew he could be a little shit..but of course he only showed me a fraction of his dysfuntion..my responsibility was only chosing to see the good in him and not the bad…as always I hope for the best..

But I do like guys with attitude…I do now anyway..My ex was a fake..he put on a charming face..he never wanted to rock the boat..he still lies to everyone about his affair..as he tries to keep his social mask on just for the sake of never seeming to be anything but perfect..he plays the victim..just like Mikey did calling the cops..it is easier to say..she is harrassing me..or she just will not do or be what I want her to be..so I had no choice..( my ex it was to have an affair) with Mikey it was to act all hurt about me wanting to read tarot cards so that he could make an exit when he slipped up..and told me he didn’t want any kind of relationship..he knew after telling me that..that he was destined to have the door hit his ass on the way out..he knew he had be caught at the game…whimp LOL

I have to say it all makes me laugh..you know my ex did me a favor when he had the affair…I know now..in facing my own shadows that I couldn’t stay with him anymore..I couldn’t play fake with him anymore..I was sick of some of his friends and all of his family always pretending to be fucking perfect…never admitting that all they cared about was money…social standing and looks..I felt phyically sick being around them all…I felt that around Mikey the night that he left..I was sick of his shit..I was sick of the play…

It seems that men have had to take me down a few notches..to feel that they can contol me…It starts by looking at other women..calling me crazy…ignoring me..with holding love and affection and so on..it is done to me because I am to wild…I AM WILD..by calling me crazy and by tring to get me to second guess myself..they are putting on the bridal and the saddle..they are tring to tame the wench out of me….but I like the wench in me….I LIKE BEING WILD AND FREE!!!

The man who will be the right man for me..he will be free himself..he will not feel the need to try to tame me because he will be wild too..he couldn’t even imagine taming me..as he will know how painful that feeling can be…cause there will be many who tried to do the same thing to him..he will of had the same experience..he will understand..

He will understand that I want a committed relationship with out marriage..because you can’t put a contract on love..love should be free like the wind…if you try to hold it..or put pressure on it it stagnates and dies….thats how I feel about love..you can’t own anyone..

He will have to have a good sense of humor too..because I laugh at everything..I laugh through the pain..and through the joy..I burst out laughing at myself constantly..he has to have humor to get me..

He has to be smart..cause I get mentaly bord fast..my mind is always turned on..I am in a constant state of creative thought..and planning my next great adventure in life..he has to be willing to explore..his own mind..the world..and any given situation..

He can not be lazy in bed…no way…nope..none of that! I love adventure and play there as well…so he has to be up for that..he has to be a big kid..he has to love my kids..and water fights…ice cream pig outs..and just going somewere to play for the hell of it…

He better get mad at me sometimes..he better tell me what he is thinking..I don’t care how nasty it is I want to know..because if you don’t know what is broke you can’t fix it..thats what happened in my marrage he wouldn’t tell me what was bothering him…knowledge is half the battle won..

I don’t mind on little bit..if he has life other than me..he better cause I have a life of my own..I don’t mind if he is gone for a couple of weeks at a time..I am sure I would miss him..but it would make our time together even sweeter because we would of had time apart,,,

The thing is I don’t want the traditional marrage..so it’s hard to find the balance between the bad ass and the smart ass..I want the funny smart ass with a bit of an edge..with a life of his own..and a dash of attitude..the attitude that says..” I AM NOT A FAKE DUDE.”..I want a real man that can admit his mistakes..and accept me for mine too..

This might take awhile..LOL

ME and my SHADOW…text messages to Mikey Trembley

ME and my SHADOW…text messages to Mikey Trembley.

ME and my SHADOW…text messages to Mikey Trembley

I am sick of playing nice for men..I am sick of being the nice little girl sitting around waiting for ” I am sorry” after a guy treats me like dirt..this is something that every woman has done..and the these types of guys never say that they are sorry..because quite simply they are not.

To them we are the yummy litte white bunny and they are the sex starved ravenous wolves..they arrive in your life to make a kill..you are that kill.

But the same is in reverse for men..these are the beautiful seductresses that have no interest in you as a person..they arrive in your life..to steal your money and to break you heart..to them it is your fame and fortune that they want..not the real you..you they could careless about..just the hard cold cash and the diamonds please..and then when your gaurd is down..they will sleep with your best friend..so yes it goes both ways..this hunting of people.

I went for a drive on Christmas day..alone..I revisited my past..as I have lived in the area since I was 13..I had a lot of reliving to do through my memories..I drove past all my old boyfriends houses..I remembered what a good girl I used to be..how they would go out drinking with their buddies and forget about me..I remembered my ex walking all over my feelings..treating me like less then him..I remebered it was a year ago that I met the man that groomed me to abuse me..and how it had just happened again with Mikey.

I remembered how I remained silent in my abuse of the man the year before..how I swallowed the pain and felt shame for how he treated me like a few pounds of flesh..and now here I was again..waiting for Mikey to tell me he was sorry for what he had done..it was by revisiting my past that I could see he was the same man as the last..he was the type that had no remorse or shame for hurting me..and like the man the year before..Mikey left me floored..that night when he told me he didn’t actually want a relationship..and he left after I told him off..I was so broken by the shock..that someone could be so cruel…that I felt like I couldn’t live..for 24hrs I fought with that intense pain..the same had happened the year before..I was in a place of need..I was feeling alone and heartbroken..and this other man did the same as Mikey..he took advantage of the fact that I was blinded by my pain.

That’s what people do that hunt other people they..wait for the opening..they smell out the weakness..and for Mikey it was very easy as he was my facebook friend and he had first hand knowledge of my struggles..that is the utter cruelty of it…that is the shock.

In my new revelation of recognizing the pattern..I decided that this time it would be different…this time..I am not going to be stupid..and wait for a call or a knock on the door that will never come..because there is no remorse this time I was going to have my say..

In these text messages I have had to edit some information out..as it would not be fair to his privacy as something very private happened between us..With Adrian Taylor I had to do the same as some of his text messages were so crude even I didn’t have the stomach to publish them..

So the following is our conversation by text.

ME – women are not lucky as usuall we get all the shit
MIKEY – Ahh..

Me -I would like to call you a slut but I slept with you so I guess that makes me a slut..I was stupid
I saw your POF profile. You say you want a relationship you lie and then you say you don’t lie. You said you were my friend then you took me off your facebook and never put me back on before you had sex with me again. You said you wouldn’t use me for sex but you did. You are a lier Mike. When it comes to guys like you I never stand a chance. I just can’t believe people can b so cruel, fake and selfish. You especialy knew what I was going through and you used my vulnerability against me. That is very cruel and cowardly.
I don’t care how much you ignore me. I am going to keep telling you what I think of you until I am sick of it.

MIKEY – Grow up

ME – I am the grown up that’s the piont. You don’t want to face the truth of who you really are or what you have done. If I shut up and go away you will just keep doing this to other women. You hate women. You are bitter.. Because you are afraid to love. Because you think it is weak.

MIKEY – Keep going and the rcmp will have a copy fo these and all the others

ME – you would rather keep your heart protected instead of feel. That’s why you have been alone for so long.. Because you don’t love yourself you can’t love another.

MIKEY – I will have you charged if I have…

ME – How else could you be so cruel and cheap to me unless you saw yourself and cheap and worthless. I suppose you only see yourself as a cock?

MIKEY – Do you want the cops involved

ME – And thats why you are dead from the waist up Mike. It must be hard to fuck and never love? You should have guessed by my writing that you read who I am that I wouldn’t let you walk away without having you meet my mind after getting away with using me. You did get away with it but karma finds everyone even you. I don’t know about the others that you did this to? I hope they told you off to.

MIKEY – Do you really want to be charged with harassement especially with everything else going on

ME – go a head Mikey do you really think I am scared. DO IT! I am not agraid of your games and I am not afriad of you

MIKEY – I will

Me – I don’t care

MIKEY – you will

ME – How about I show them how you groomed me off of facebook with the messages that I have from you How about I show that you said you were not useing me for sex but you did

MIKEY – Yah..and even better when I have all your texts

MIKEY – You are man crazy remember..

ME – you lied to me you lied about everything

MIKEY – that don’t means shit..Enough

ME – why because the truth hurts

MIKEY – I m calling

ME – You said you were a pig

MIKEY – you are nuts

ME – I should have listened to you.. yes I am nuts I believed you, that makes me crazy as hell

MIKEY – get help

ME – this is my help

MIKEY – get help

ME – reaming your ass out is helping me greatly

MIKEY – explain that to the cops

ME- I am starting to feel so much better

MIKEY – Its illegal

ME – giving you back what you gave me..take back your lies..take back your excuses for being a pig..

MIKEY – Grace fuck off.. you need help

ME – what you need to do is see who you really are..see your reality Mike..You are raising two young women while you treat women like shit..that is your karma Mike. You grow up and start acting like a man and a father. Stop being a pig an a slut..No woman deserves to be treated the way you treated me. If you want your girls to know how men should treat a woman start living it yourself.. You behave like a fucked up teenager overdosing on his own hormones. Coward.. you cant take back what you have given out. Beacuse you simply are not man enough to handle the fucking hard cold honest truth as to who you are. How you treat others and how you even treat yourself by treating other human beings with cruelty and lack of remorse for that cruelty.

It turns out he did call the police and they did call me..telling me that it was harassment..as it was considered unwanted communcation..I told the police what the text messages were about..what the communication was..that I was not threatening his person..that I was saying my peace after what he had done to me and how he had treated me..the police officer thought he was a whimp..for calling them over a 115 pound 5ft woman telling him off..he thought it was the funniest thing..but he still had to tell me that it was harrasment and that I had to stop…I told the police man about Adrian Taylors text messages to me and how he had threated to come over to my house to confront me infront of my children and how I had not called the police then as I thought I could handle it..unless Adrian knocked on my door was I going to call the police to bother them with BS..the police man said I had more balls than MIKEY LOL

I read these following teasing text messages to the police officer..that I had also text messaged to MIKEY…as I love to use humor in everything..they made me laugh my ass off..I will write out the text so you can read them before I share with you the police man’s reaction.

ME TO MIKEY – I just went and re read all the text. I think the cops will think I did a good job…Lets hope they are women cops…they will want to play with your bum MIKEY..MIKEY with a baton up his bum..LOL..I wonder if they will make you lick it after? They may tie you down. I will have to tell them you don’t like it…it makes you scared..scawwwed little MIKEY with a baton up his bum.

I could hardly get past the first sentence with..the play with your bum MIKEY and the police man just couldn’t stop laughing..I am sure he was putting all the police women that he knows in the senario..he just couldn’t stop laughing..then he made me laugh cause he was laughing so hard..he said to me ” you are going to be all right with that attitude..damn your funny.”

So anyways my readers that is my SHADOW my darkside..I explored it well with MIKEY..AND I DON’T regreat a thing a said!

I spelt his first and last names wrong on purpose..so that he could retain some privacy 😉

The Shadow Effect

The Shadow Effect.

The Shadow Effect

I was taught that to be a bitch was to be unlovable..that to be a bitchy out spoken woman was to be shunned by men…I was taught that women were not supposed to like sex..and that to be sexy meant you were a slut..

I was taught to be a nice girl..to serve men..to give my time and energy endlessly..if I was not willing to give everyone else the best and to take the least for myself..if I didn’t I was being a bitch.

I have been told that because I write and work on my art..I am a bad mother..and of course being a woman that would make me a bitch..because I take the time to go to the gym and take care of my physical self..this makes me a selfish mother..as I should be spending all of my free time on my children and home..I should do more for others and I should put myself last..to do less is to be a selfish bitch..to like sex also makes me a slut.

To love myself I need to accept that what society judges as my bad quailities are a part of who I am…yes I am a bitch..because I stand up for myself..I live out loud..I speak my mind and my truth..and I let others know when they have wronged me..I get mad at people when they hurt me..when they use me an when they lie to me..I get right pissed off and I tell them what they did and what they need to do to fix it..by taking responsibility for their lies and hurt that they have caused me..they can make it right with me.

I am a selfish mother..I write..I paint..I date..I go out dancing now and then…I take care of myself and take time for myself..so I am selfish..Sometimes a mother has to be selfish to preserve herself for her children as well..if I am running on empty how can I fill them with love..if I am used up and bitter from self neglect how can I take proper care of them or anyone else?

I love sex..so that makes me a slut to some..as the definition of slut can vary from society and person to person…how do you define a slut..does she have a different partner every night..does she have multiple partners all at once? If so I don’t meet that definition as a slut..but if you think that because I enjoy my sex appeal or that because I am good in bed..that I like sex..and that I have slept with more than the one man in my life time makes me a slut..than I am a slut..if you think that because I think about sex often, that makes me a slut..then I am a slut in your definition of a slut..if you think that because I have had sex without marriage that that makes me a slut..than I am a slut.

The fact is that when I or when you repress the truth of who we are..the good and the bad we stop ourselves from the full expression of our souls..our souls are the contrast of light and dark..good and bad…hate and love.

Pain is passion…shame is supression of our passion..to supress who you are from yourself and from the world is self imprisonment..to let others shame you for being human and making mistakes is to go into the prison that they have set before you.

As human beings we all have one thing in common and that is pain..to shame another for their experiences is to shame yourself..to hate another is to hate that part of them that lives inside of you..

Here is good example of this..it is conversation that I was having with a man commenting on my blog..he was mad at me and was judging me for not being factual enough with my writing..yet he had to keep commenting..I think the reason he was trying to supress me and my creative thought was to justify for himself his own fear at facing his true self..and his reality..as it takes two to tango..

1.
o Jesus del Torro el Jesus Ramses III says:
December 25, 2011 at 7:15 pm (Edit)
No one’s the mouse, no one’s the cat, we’re just 2 irrelevant people saying nothing to each other over the internet. Using a quote from someone to illustrate a point against them isn’t a lack of original thought, it’s an easy way to get your point across. Of course, at this point I shouldn’t be surprised to you fail to understand me. What can you expect from someone who is a grown adult and yet can’t properly correspond with their lawyer without making inappropriate emotional outbursts? And who then posts the transcripts of these conversations online to seek validation for their childish actions? I’m done. It’s over, you win, fuck it I don’t care because this is clearly a logic-free zone. Keep jumping to those conclusions, It’s been real.
Reply
2. Grace says:
December 26, 2011 at 3:12 am (Edit)
I can see you are upset..that this little game has gotten to you..you hate me because you love me..you hate because I am everything that you want in yourself and woman but you have not been able to have it..not yet.
But if you could see that you are more than just like me…if you could see that our souls are made from the same energy that all creation runs from and goes back to..
Than you could love me..than you could see that this game always existed inside of you..and inside of me..as a away to bring forth creation..to cause manifestation.
What I do here on this blog is simply this…I love all of myself..the good, the bad..the ugly..and the brilliant parts of my soul.
I am only human as are you..we were all born to make mistakes…my conception was a mistake..as many are
But this mistake that I am makes me beautiful..for I am a child of God
No matter how many names you may call me..no matter how much you may try to undermind me..I have purpose and it is simply this….
To take off the masks..that society causes us to wear..for our own social protection from one another…from games such as this..
This has been a perfect example..
Let me tell you who I am…
I am lovable….I am unlovable
I am beautiful…I am ugly
I am whole…..but I am empty
I am not lonely…but I am all alone
I am a bitch…and I am sweet
I am caring…and I don’t give a shit
I am love ……and I am hate
I am a contradiction!..Because I am human..because this is my soul…
I am the light and I am the dark..but together they cause creation
They cause the compulsion to create and to bring forth more..
When you hate me you hate yourself..when you speak to me this way..I am your mirror and you are mine..we are learning here together…
That love and hate..are one.
My mission is to show the world through using myself and by using conversations such as ours..that it is OK to love all of yourself.
Once we love all of us the masks come off and we are freed from our own internal slavery..
Shame inhibits us from accepting our own reality…to say I am not perfect is perfection….it is the contradiction of creation.
Have a Merry Christmas…I love to hate you..and hate to love you
in saying that..am I speaking to you our to me?
we are one under the light of God!
Reply
3. Grace says:
December 26, 2011 at 3:42 am (Edit)
Logic has it’s place as a foundation for theory..theory uses logic as a spring board.
All scientific theory..is based on a small fraction of logic..that is then used to connect it’s self to the imagination..it is in the internal space of the soul..that the human race learned how to see around corners…it is by knowning in the wisdom of the soul..that all great thought and theory has brought forth great invention and higher understanding..
Before the first aircraft lifted off the ground..the entire concept was thought to be irational..crazy…
Man was not suposed to fly…
But the basic logic of the natural forces of creation and the intense imagination of a human being caused the first flight to become reality..
The fact..( if you will accept it as fact..as fact it’s self is up for debate )..is that the aircraft had to fly first in the imagination for it’s manifestation into physical reality could take place..
Fact it’s self is not fact as we know it..it is all illusion..as there is only perception…it is only what is taken in by our eyes and related through are brains that we can concieve as fact..it is is filtered this way is it truly fact..?
Or is it all a hollogram..or our own imagination..?
This is the contradition…?
This is were knowledge meets wisdom..which is greater knowledge or wisdom?
They are both needed to know and build upon each other..with out the other…there would be no balance..
Such as male and female..we need each other to sustain each other..each different..but the same..
contradiction?

My writing has been this concept

Today we live in a world were wearing a social mask is expected..when we see others living freely as their true selves with out these masks it makes us uncomfortable because it means that we or you have some serious internal work to do to release yourself from your own prison of persception..To face your darkest self is to face your most brilliant self..the self that shines and will know it’s own greatness..but this can be frightening for you and for others around you..as the potential is limit less..

When I watched the documentary THE SHADOW EFFECT..it was the sychroniscity that backed up my writing and the fact that I have used the uncovering of myself as an example to show others how..how to take off the social masks and to free themselves from the social conditioning that has supressed us as individuals and as humanity…

I sugest that you watch this documentary as it will help you to see the supression so that you can see your reality.

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

I found the Christmas Spirit in a strip club…what was I doing in a strip club? I had just finished watching ( THE SHADOW EFFECT…Illuminating the hidden power of your true self) for one to do this..one must face the darkest parts of the self to become enlightened..the person or persons that you judge the most or the ones that show you the darkest parts of yourself.

I thought about who that was..and I realized it was Lucifer’s girl friend..whom I called Lucifer’s Wench..her behaviour and lifestyle..was what I had judged the most in any one person this year..as well as I had judged him for what he had done to us both..having his cake and eating it to so to speak…So in order for me to understand her and to understand him..to understand fully what had happened between the three of us..I decided I needed to go into the strip club here in Kelowna that she had stripped in..it’s called the Cadillac Lounge.

I hadn’t been in this place before and to tell you the truth I had only been in two strip clubs before that..once was by accident..I was a young girl of about 18 looking for a bathroom..I thought It was a pub..but imagine my suprise LOL..the other time was this summer..one of my girlfriends an I were half drunk and we were hoping night clubs..we decided the more upper class strip club downtown didn’t have that big of a line up so we went in and had a few drinks..it was wild and kind of fun..sort of a crazy..silly thing to to..a walk on the wild side..

So I thought this place The Cadillac Lounge would be similar..I expected it to look life FLASH DANCE..and even though I was going in alone..I thought I would have the courage to have one drink and watch a girl do some good dancing maybe?..but this place was not what I expected at ALL!

I drove up to an unpaved parking lot to see a bunch of guys having a literal pissing contest outside…OMG!..but I had promised myself that I would have the courage to have one drink..that I was doing it for Tara and for myself..for the experience of walking in her shoes.

I went inside..into the blue and black lights..through the doors that smelt like old sour whiskey and vomit..I could smell pot as well…The place smelled old..dirty and moldy.. as I went inside..all eyes were on me..even the bouncers looked shocked..”Are you looking for someone honey?” I was asked before I walked through the second doors..the bouncer said..”cause the guy you want isn’t here!” The group of them all started laughing..I held my head up and I said ” I am sure he isn’t.” the laughed some more as I went all the way inside.

I went to the bathroom right away to muster up my courage..I took my coat off..it was hard to do..I felt like a target..but I went out to face the wolves..I walked around looking for the stage..all eyes were on me..a couple of guys said “WOW” I made eye contact so that they wouldn’t think I was as freaked out as I was..I found the stage..it was so small..I guess it didn’t matter if the girls danced or put on a show..it was all about he hardcore sex here and nothing else..Thats when something incredible happened to me..something very beautiful…

I was filled with compassion for Tara..and love..I thought of myself in this place on that stage..and I knew I would have done whatever it took to get out of here..I would have scratched and clawed my way out..OMG..I felt so humbled by this new understanding..and I felt intense sadness for this young woman..what a harsh cold reality..how cruel to live like this..to have no one..but the girls you work with as your friends..were was her family..I wondered?

I couldn’t even make myself stay for one drink..I couldn’t even have a glass of water in this place..For the first time I felt some respect for Adrian..I know he is 27 years older than her..but he got her out of this place..I hope he keeps her out of this place for good..I hope he protects her..and treats her kindly..I hope he gives her love and respect and treats her with the gentleness that all women want, need and crave.

I saw every woman that night..I saw my daughters in Tara..I saw myself..I was and I am very humbled by this experience..

It was in the strip club that I felt the Christmas Spirit the most strongly than I have ever felt it in my entire life..I didn’t get the Christmas Spirit for getting gifts from others or even giving a gift..it was through compassion and through forgiveness that I felt and became apart of The Spirit Of Christmas.

It stayed with me all night..I text messaged her this very morning to tell her..I don’t think she quite believes me yet..she has had to survive her guard is up..and I totally understand it.

I was and still am being judged for posting my sexy pictures on the blog..by those who didn’t understand that I was using them as an example to help do away with porn..but some women saw it as an attention getting sceem..that I was being a bad mom and a selfish person..Tara has been judged like this her entire life by women..the ones like me who hadn’t walked in her shoes..who don’t understand..she was trying to survive in the way she was taught to survive..she is doing her best to get out of this loop of dysfunction…

Others deamed me a slut and a whore for my writing and work..they see me as being to on the edge..women should be nice and bake cookies not post sexy pics.

I felt so strongly about what had happended that I wanted Tara to really understand that I meant my appology so I went out to get her and Adrian..and his kids…something for Christmas..I got her some make-up..something I would buy my little sister..and for him and his kids some chocolate..good chocolate.

I told her I was comming by at 4pm to drop them off and talk to her for a bit..but then it started to take a turn as she wanted me to appologise to her friend who had posted some stuff on the blog..I said her friend must have been a stripper like her on my reply to one of her post..she wanted me to meet with her and her friend in a public place to do this..

I told her flat out..I am not wanting to dredge stuff up..I am wanting to bring peace to this matter..I am not perfect..I can be a bitch..and I can have a temper and I make a ton of mistakes..I am not playing games anymore..I want to talk to you..to wish you a Merry Christmas and to give you some gifts..

She just wasn’t going to be home at 4pm even though I gave her plenty of time to be there to meet with me..I told her I was just going to drop them off with Adrian..she didn’t want me to meet with him face to face..I text messaged him and told him that I would be dropping the gifts of in 15 min..he text messaged back and asked me if his son could grab them..I just walked over and his son met me at the door.

I have not been text messaged a thank you..but it doesn’t matter..the reason I say they have not said thank you is because I know you are wondering…but I did it for my own selfish reasons too..forgiveness is a selfish act..I need to forgive them..and give them kindness so that I can be released from the hate and from the game..

I truly do feel love and compassion for the human story..

I feel compassion for myself as well..to know better is to do better..

Merry Christmas!