Soul Mates

by Grace

I have lied to myself about the men I have dated and that I have had sex with…I lied to myself about who they truly are and were..I guess I really am phyco..like one of them called me

He pisses me of because he has hurt me the most. I saw him on Plenty of Fish..before they could delete my profile again. I think that Plenty of Fish has me maked as spam now..LOL since I had my blog address up for so long.

Any way back to Dave..there he was on POF again..going on about himself and how honest he is and about how he doesn’t want to play any games..that He is looking for his soul mate..after I had told him he was a soul mate to me. I was so mad..I still am as it was just a couple of hours ago…I am so hurt!..Not only has he stuck the lable of phyco on me but now he his using the term soul mates that I used to put on his POF profile..after going on and on…about some of the horror stories he has experienced on POF..Meaning me..because I got mad at him for playing games with me.

That hot and cold game..yes thats it..thats a very good name for it..I am your friend..but now I am not so sure about you Grace..It all starts with friendship..yes Grace I am your friend..Grace you wrote something to me that seems a bit alarming so I don’t know if we should be friends..Grace what do you want..are you comfortable with that?

WTF..thats what I want to say WHAT THE FUCK? How can you call me phyco when you can’t make your mind up and you run hot and cold..puting everything running in this endless loop that goes no where and you think I am crazy?!

Today I do hate men..I think I hate men because of Plenty of Fish.

I didn’t see this Dave for who he was..I am still having problems believing that people can act like this..I don’t think I will ever get over the depth and the cruelty of this hot and cold head game..the thing is it all gets turned on me..he doesn’t accept any responsibility for it at all…nope I am the one who is nuts when I am left scratching my head feeling like I was just at the MAD HATTERS TEA PARTY…ya but I am phyco..for getting frustrated and pissed off at the insults and hurtful constant rejection..acceptance..rejection…acceptance.

You know how I know I am not crazy..its the fact that I can see the fricken game..and give it a name ( HOT AND COLD)

This guy is the guy who can’t grow up because he can’t accept responsibility for being a player in his own game..he will never find his soul mate because he will always be putting women in this constant loop of insanity.

That being said..to the point of my own insanity..I didn’t want to see the reality of the abuse that it was..I wanted to believe that this ways going to go into he most romantic and exciting relationship ever in the whole wide world..but nope the truth was and still is it doesn’t matter what I do or what I say or if I can poop diamonds out of my ass will this guy EVER be into the most romantic and exciting relationship ever..that we would be soul mates for all eternity..because he finds a flaw in a woman and he concentrates on it to such an extent that it is all he sees..and the most probable is that he doens’t know what a reality based real relationship looks like because he can’t accept what real women are like.

Nope he is a traveler so they should be fucking packable..like a fold-up toothbrush..and they should act like a guy but not slow him down to shave their fricken legs..but they should always look like a million fricken bucks all the time…never age…cause as far as he is concerned he doesn’t..Oh ya he says he is very honest on POF but he doesn’t give his real fricken age! AHHHhhhh it’s crazy as Hell!

Then there are the guys who act like they have it all together..but it turns out that they are sharing a home still with their wife that they are supposed to be separated from and..Oh ya he ran into her naked as she was getting out of the shower..or my god this is good…Lets have a relationship..that’s what he says in the begining until you sleep with him..and the thinks he was such a king in bed..that he will say to you..Oh I am not sure if I want a relationship, did I say that are you sure? You must be mistaken babe? Ya well as far as I am concerned there is no man that good in bed..get out!

My problem is that I believed the lie..I believed he really wanted to be with me other than the bedroom..I am so stupidly innocent..damn! I am a contradiction waiting to happen..yes I say I can see through it..but only after the fact..My last post was me trying to make myself feel better..yes I saw it comming but I still let him sleep with me..because stupid little me…I can’t let go of hope!

I hope and I hope that this time..this time this isn’t what I am seeing but it is what I thought it was and I tried so hard to ignore the damn truth of what I saw was going to happen..A man using me just to get off…Knowing that I was having a very hard and difficult time in my life and using me like I was just an object…does it ever stop!

Do men care at all?

I don’t think they do..I think that they all just see women as a way to fill their own lives..they don’t see women as people..FUCK YOU if you say you do!

I was a wife once for 14 years..but as soon as I wanted to live some of my life for myself..and not just to meet his agenda and pat his ego with constant praise..he cheated on me while I was pregnant with our son…

Men only want women to meet a need in their own lives..and she has to press herself into the box that he has set out for her in his idea of the perfect woman…if she doesn’t he will replace her..just that simple

You see one that will fit that box better..off you go after her…leaving her alone

just like me

I can’t fit into the box

I can’t fit into the norm

I don’t fit in

Anywere

because I am not a good little woman..I speak out..I laugh at you and myself..I think original thoughts that can piss others off

I am hot and I know it and that pisses people off..women hate me

And men just want to use me..

Thats how I feel about Soul Mates..there just isn’t one for me.

I have been proven wrong

I really thought there was

I hung onto the romantic dream for my entire life..41 years

Now I am letting it go

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