Talking To GOD
Last night I fell into dispair..I posted on facebook this message ” I give up.”… The first response.. and it was an instant response..was ” DO NOT”….this message came from my friend Jason..but it felt like God talking through him..as I have seen and heard God do before in my times of trouble..soon after I posted why I felt the need to give up and my other friends supported me with their messages of comfort and love.. this to me and to many is God speaking through us.
It was in these moments that followed that I felt God speaking to my heart saying to me ” Remember what you wrote? Remember that all people are a part of me…even the ones that hurt you..are meant to inspire you.” and I understood in my heart the message that is the underlying current through all of this.. and that is we are all one and directly connected.. this was God last night..through and with all of us…even those who wish to stop the message.. even if they don’t understand in their own lack of understanding…they are the message; they need the love and forgiveness the most. This forgiveness is not just mine to give to them or grant them.. it is your forgiveness and their own need to forgive themselves and others.
Now that I have given you this postive message I will share with you the negative experience and energy that brought this forward and into the light of higher understanding.
Many of my facebok friends know that my own sister has opposed me; that she is very upset with me and how I live my life.. that it is a fact that she has posted many degrading and hurtful messages on my facebook wall and made comments on my blog post and other facebook post.. these comments that she has made judge my sanity.. she has insisted that I am crazy and that I need medication… she has stated on my facebook that I have been put into the hospital 5 to 6 times because of a mental illness.. she has stated that I have come off the drugs and that because of this I am manic.. the fact is I put myself in the hospital when my ex left me.. I begged them for meds that they didn’t think I needed and when they did give me meds that I insisted on It was a very low dose.. and when I was ready to come of the meds a year ago I had no trouble as the dose was so low. Besides that I have never been forced into the hospital or any insitution for mental illness..and I am not manic… many people have suicidal thoughts or even actions when life becomes suddenly more than they can take or handle on their own.
Since our mother suffered from an horrible mental illness; I was so concerned growing up at the possibility that I have had my head looked into many times just to be on the safe side…I have a clean bill of mental health.. they say you are sane when you worry about being crazy and when you can acknowledge your own crazy actions and thoughts. Because of the mental illness in my family ( as it exisits to some extent in every family ) I have studied and read many books on the subject and that is why I understand and can write about Carl Jung and his studies and knowledge.
In the last few weeks I have been called so many names on facebook that I can’t remember them all and that is probably best..but I do remember my own brother calling me a slut on one of my blog posts.
I thought I had made a friend or re-friended a old highschool friend of mine on facebook.. he was kind to me.. he sent me private messages on facebook and soon we were texting back and forth..we met for coffee..we spent time together and then we were intimate. It was after being intimate that he put a post up on facebook about the vagina being like an engine.. he thought it was funny..but it cut me deeply..when I got mad at him he told me he thought I was bitter and acting a little phyco..wtf? Isn’t that a double standard or what? You insult me so that I am the only one that gets it and then you call me names for making me angry?..So the post ( I wanna know) that was writen for Mike.
This week he text messaged me a few times..but he didn’t put himself back on my facebook after I wrote ( I wanna know) and ( so you have a Penis?) he was the guy who knew how to use it..but then he used his knowledge of women against them to meet his own selfish needs.. in essence what he did was read my blog.. read my story..it was then that he started to message me..he thought I was hot before seeing the Boudoir photography..but when he saw that he knew for sure he wanted to be with me.. the point is that he used all of this knowledge and fact of who I was to play me.
I knew throughout this week that this was a fact.. he knew that I was being hurt by others badly on facebook all week but he still didn’t put himself on my facebook again..why.. cause he wasn’t really my friend and he didn’t want to bother with it..why? Cause he only wanted one thing and we all know what that is.
He texted me last night and asked if I wanted a hug.. I said ” hugs are good.” A soon he was at my door. I let him in and he gave me a big hug.. I sat with him and offered him something to eat and drink..we talked and watched some comedy on tv..but I could tell he was tense..I could see he wanted to just get right to it..but I wanted friendship and intimacy with lovemaking..but he only wanted IT!
But I made things slow down..I talked to him.. I joked with him..I asked him serious questions.. I got out of him that he didn’t want a relationship.. that he only wanted the best friends with benifits.. Ya I thought so!
He talked about the dirty sluts that he had slept with and the gross things that they let him do to them.. how discusting they were.. all I could think was.. well you did these things to them.. how about you? Why don’t you take some responsibility in you own actions?
He tried to tell me I was just like him…that if I could get away with sleeping with multiple men..without others knowing about it then I would..ya he said you would like this penis and that penis..
So others have said my writing is REVOLTING.. yes this is REVOLTING but I am only telling you what he said to me…
This has happened to me before..guys want a woman to agree that they are discusting so that they can treat a woman like a whore and not feel bad about their actions..my God it is so highschool!
But what got to him is this..I could see through all his BS.. I could see what he was trying to do.. I knew it was a booty call and he knew that I wanted more then that.. he even said..” you want intimacy and love.”
“yes I said.. I do.”
I told him I could still see the sweetness in him.. I can and could because I knew him when he was a boy.. and I can still see that in him.. I can still see him before the world fucked him up..before he threw himself into a world of sex just for the sake of sex and nothing else.. I can even now still see that boy in him even after what he did to me..he did hunt me with the intent on establishing a relationship built purely on sex..and I wouldn’t let that happen.. but I do forgive him as over the years it is all he has known..it has been his life and his way of existing.. this is his pattern..but I will not fall into that maddness with him… I will not be pulled under into that dark place.
I told him I wanted to read my tarot cards and see what he was really like with using them to look deep into him.. this scared the shit out of him..he said his ex used them.. he said a councilor used them and it tore his marriage apart.. he freaked right out..at first I thought he was joking..because his reaction was so intense.. and he had seen the cards all over my house..if he had such a problem with them..why was he having anything to do with me? So as a joke I put them on him..I freaked out!
I know it wasn’t the cards and it wasn’t me being able to read them or any of that..and I think you know too.. he was just looking for an excuse to leave.. he wasn’t planning on being my real friend.. he wasn’t meaning to have anything meaningfull with me at all.. he was just planning on sex.. on using my loneliness and the knowlege that he had gleaned by reading my blog; against me to get what he wanted..he didn’t plan on me seeing him for what he was..that’s what freaked him out..I was smarter than he suspected.
He threatened to leave.. I said OK.. he put his shoes on and we faught.. I told him that I tested him…I told him that I knew it was just a booty call.. I told him he was using the cards as an excuse to leave.. that if he had a problem with it he wouldn’t of come back over in the first place.. yes I told that he was using his knowledge of me against me to manipulate me.
When he walked out the door.. I slamed it so hard I am sure it hit his ass on the way out….
I texted him and I told him how he had put me into this place of just not wanting to live..but that I am a chicken shit so I can’t do anything about it.. just like I said on facebook.. I now the dawn will breakthrough.. I know a new day will come.. but that night I was in utter dispair..I asked GOD “do you exist?”
I asked GOD ” why do you let peole hurt me like this..if you exist.. than show yourself to me”
It was then that I posted on facebook..simply..” I give up.”
And the first words were simply ” DO NOT!”
God had made himself known through you.. my friends and fellow souls.