ALONE

by Grace

I have always been alone… no one has stayed in my life. I didn’t have my children to fill this.. I fill their lives as I am their parent and mother.. All of the people who were suposed to uphold me never stayed.. they left me. Even my good friends moved on..as friends do.. they always do for me..they move away or they decide that I am to much work.

The men in my life.. have always left me.. they never stay.. my ex lasted 14 years.. but in truth he was never there for me he only wanted me there for him.. he left me alone even when he was in the same room..as he ignored me all the time.

Since then.. I have met men… and my hopes soar..I think that this time, the romance will happen..he will show me the moon and the stairs…but the dream vanishes before it has a chance to become reality.. like a wisp of smoke or a mist in the fall air..the dream is gone..he is gone.

I lay awake at night and I dream of him.. who will he be? I make up a new life in my imagination.. I imagine myself happy and in love..sharing my life with him.. we travel..we create..we cuddle and we make love..I laugh at his jokes and he laughs at mine.

But in reality.. Do I push them away before it can begin? As soon as I start to fall for him..I feel pain… I expect him to leave..they all do they always do…everyone leaves me..I will show you the door, because I know you are going.

This is how it happens; he kisses me, holds me and then he doesn’t call for a few days..mean while I have been living in my imagination expecting the dream.. but he doesn’t call or when he does he says something insensitve.. I am waiting for it as my wounds of past loves gone wrong are still there waiting to burst open and bleed again.. he doesn’t call or when he does he sounds cold and impersonal.. I help him leave.. cause that is what they do.. I get defensive.. because I am hurting and I expect him to hurt me; because they all do..so I tell him; not to call..I can even push him out the door physically when he will not commit to a strait answer.. yes I expect him to go..thats what they do.

He could stop this from happening, he could keep me..if he wanted to..if he would only call me right after.. not making me wait on my old pain.. not leaving me alone with my thoughts and imagination… he could keep me if when he sees me he would wrap me in his arms right away.. he could keep me then.. he could keep me if he told me he wanted me to be his girl.. yes then he could keep me..if he called me throught the day.. just to say hi and that he misses me.. then I would be his.. he could have me that way…if when he saw me he made love to me.. not just sex.. but cuddles and real love.. yes than he could keep me from pushing him out the door.

If he made room for me in his busy life.. if he took the time to include me if he didn’t exclude me… yes he could keep me from pushing him away.

But in the balance not smother me.. not try to own me.. just want me..than I would let him stay.

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