Love and dating.. the beautiful dreamer part 2
He read my book..but before he could return it our emails turned negative. I had time to think about our last meeting and I was angry and hurt. Who did he think he was judging me is such a harsh light. I felt exposed and vulnerable; I felt as if I had been treated unfairly. I asked him to mail the book to me as it seemed impossible to meet up with him again. He acted like I was some freak out to wreak his life. He sent it through the post office so that it wouldn’t have his return adress on it. He never told me were he lived; one night when I knew I was close to were he lived I phoned him and asked him if he would like me to come over for a visit; he seemed absolutely terrified at the possibility and gave me many lame reasons as to why that wouldn’t be a good idea that night. It isn’t to hard to see why my emails to him became less than postive and happy.
After he read my book his opionion of me lessened even more; as he read about me being suicidal after my husband first left me the way he did. It was easy to see that I had been marked a as a crazy woman. Things got crazier as I found that I could not handle nor could I let him keep this opionion of me. I was determined to get things back to the way they were when we first met; it was such a wonderful high, to have that deep connection and attraction; I thought I could turn things around. I thought I could swing it all back around; being an Aries I saw it as a challange. I thought I know I can out think this guy; I can out manouver him; out pace him and beat him to the chase and so I tried with my writing.. with my emails…silly me I saw it in part as an exercise of imagination and willfullness.
So the emails started.. I can’t remember all of them; but one night I thought I would us sex as creative incentive.. I wrote him a hot sexy email after I told him that I had been to the Lavivian Rose ladies sexy underwear store. I told him in detail how hot I looked and how I felt so good in what I had purchased for myself.. but nope he thought I was strange for sending him that email after we had talked about intimate things like this on the phone together only a month before. Of course this was hurtful and just plain stupid of him. I would think as a writer that he would of apprieciated the soft porn that I had writen for him.. it was very good. I thought to myself WOW I should start writing this shit.
And so I would loss hope of course and try dating other guys.. but I just couldn’t seem to let go of the dream of what could of been if he would just stop being so judgmental and afraid of me. He seemed to be concerned about me living in the marital home; that my ex would just move back in; but in looking back it was probably just another excuse. I would stop emailing him after awhile.. the challange would lose its luster for me as he pushed me away with his cold short emails in reply to my long thoughtful emails.
I would drop it and not hear anything from him for awhile and then he would email me back and it would start all over again. If he wasn’t into me why did he contact me? I don’t know? I it would always start out great; we would get caught up after not being in contact for a couple of weeks but then I could feel him start to judge me again by the tone of his emails. He would never fully answer my questions or seem to ignore them all together as if he was afraid to give me to much information.. the thing is if I was a freak and I was going to stalk him; I knew his cell number and I knew were he worked; if I was a stalker I would have stalked him; but I lost his number on purpose and I tried to avoid were he worked as much as possible..
Yet he would contact me as much as I would contact him.. I moved into he city that he lived in to get away from my ex and to take advantage of being in the city closer to opportunity and people in general. I told him when I moved thinking then he would want to meet me for a cup of coffee or a hike in the local mountains but there was always an excuse as to why he couldn’t but he would still contact me with emails. I would get pissed and acuse him of playing me; playing with my feelings and my hopes. He would then say I was pushing him away from me; what? I was pushing him away from me? What!? I had done nothing but try to convince him that I was a normal, healthy person of sound mind and emotions and he had done nothing but reel me in and throw me back. It was like catch and release; make up your fricken mind already! I am pushing him away; I couldn’t be more accommidating; HELL!
I had bought his book to support him months before this and after this email conversation I took it out to the dumpster! I felt like such a fool! I had also read a part in his book just before that about his main character having sex with the leading lady in his book; and about how afer a marathon sex session she lay beside him grinning as he went on and on about his many travel adventures. Wow so that is what it would be like then;; me, me and some more of me oh would you like another helping of ME then; cause I love me.. not you, your just here with me to hear about me! It pissed me right off so not only did I put his book in the dumpster but I left it outside in the rain for a couple of nights just for good measure! Oh and when I put it in the dumpster it was in the heat of the summer and there was a puddle of rotten goop at the bottom that I made sure it landed in. Yup I was pissed!
A little bit after that I saw him at the city park draping himself over a something so that his friends could take a picture of him. My heart raced when I saw him; I was afraid of him! But attracted to him still but he was so wraped up in himself that he didn’t even see me or he pretended like he didn’t. I am not a wall flower; I do stand out, with out meaning to brag I get a lot of complements from perfect strangers. All I could think is that if he isn’t playing hard to get that man sure is into himself.
When I got home I wrote him an email; saying that if he didn’t see me he was ignoring me and that I thought he was a jerk for it. Of course that was all wrong of me; he was just having fun with his friends and he didn’t see me. Ya ok.