Love and dating..beautiful dreamer part 3
Dear Beautiful Dreamer;
I am writing this to clarify what has happened between us; I am doing this as much for you as me, simply to release the entire negative impact that this collision course has had on both of us.
I han’t any business meeting you when I did in the first place. I was not ready to date; I was still extremely vulnerable and wounded. I was in a reactive state and I over reacted in every way due to my lack of emotional health ( I CAN’T BELIEVE I WROTE THAT!!!!)( I am laughing at myself right now !) I had not taken the time to heal and still hadn’t found myself as a person in my own right. I am sorry that you experienced the brunt of my own emotional pain and insecurities ( WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING LOL)
Not being in personal contact with you; seeing you eye to eye or having any concrete interaction has left me to guess as to whom you are and your intentions; having had many bad experiences with men, I have drawn on those experiences to come to the conclusions about you and who you could possibly be or what you want from me. To me this has been like trying to grasp at vapor and has made me feel very frustrated and confused; that has caused me to react in frustration at not being able to make sense of what has happened ” if anything” between us. ( OK THIS WAS GOOD)
Yet you have taught me many things about myself; even though you have not been aware of this, you have been my muse and my reflection. I know and believe that everything happens for a reason, you have helped me to go deep within my own phsche “human mind or soul” to discover who I am, what I need and want. With out your even realizing it you have pushed me forward to becoming a strong and independant woman, I realise now that you are me. I know that sounds far out there but in actuality we are all one in the same. I was drawn to you and attracted to you because I love what you stand for; freedom and independant thought and behavior. ( NOW THIS IS GOOD BUT WAS I ALSO MANIPULATING USING HIS OWN EGO AS WEAPON ?)
Through interaction wtih you I have found that I need to be my true self and that I am not willing to compromise who I am for anyone in any situation; this has come to be my understanding of who I think you are; but it may not be who you are as I do not really know you. It is my own personal perspective on our interaction. ( THIS IS TRUE BUT I NEVER REALLY NEED HIM TO GET TO THIS; but it may of helped some)
I see you as a free spirit and a man of great knowledge, a man that is in the pursuit of the highest integity; you have been in essence my mentor in this perception of you. I want to be this person, I want to take these qualities into myself and integrate them in to my personality to find freedom from the mudane world and its dogmas. ( I MAKE HIM SOUND LIKE A GOD! NO WONDER HE WANTED ME TO KEEP WRITING TO HIM LOL) ( ITS LIKE SEX ON PAPER LOL)
I also see a childlike quality in you that I wish to have and do have within myself and that is to see each day as an adventure, like a child in search of the perfect game to play and the friends to play it with. I wish to walk as fealessly as you seem to do; to look for a fresh start in everyday, in every person and in every situation. ( TRUE THAT WOULD BE GREAT: BUT I DO IT)
I have to give you credit where it is due; you did see me for what I was in the beginning, you wre right to keep your distance, that was very wise. (GROVELING NOW: I AM GOING TO PUKE)
I have some advice; I sense that you are stuck in a holding pattern, that you have become comfortable in the routines that you circulate in and that you are concerned that a woman will mess-up your life style and that is very understandable. I have reached that piont as well. I know that you are a man that needs freedom that you need someone that has her own life and aspirations, but you need to be as fealess in live as you are in the other areas of your life in order to be successful and to experience love again. take a leap of faith with someone so that you can experience wholeness in a relationship. ( I THINK THE ENTIRE LETTER WAS GEARING UP TO THAT PARAGRAPH OF TRUTH)
Of course in giving you that adivice I need to follow it as well; and I know the devil is in the details of having that special person materialize into our lives. ( WAS TALKING ABOUT HIM BEING IN MY LIFE)
Beautiful Dreamer I don’t know who you are; but in my perception of you, you will always hold a special place in my heart; as confusing and frustrating that our journey has been, I thank you for being a part of my life and showing me myself. It is impart because of you that I have made this incredible transformation from a woman filled with pain to a woman that has come into her own personal power, higher awareness and self-confidence.
May love find you ( MEANING COME AND GET ME LOL)
So now you can see how stupid and crazy love can be.. what the hell!