EGO… Chapter 5 continued
Well now.. You can see that at the begininnig of the this chapter I was just a little to humble, what I have already discussed with you is that I recognize my hitting my husband was wrong, but I understand now that I was pushed beyond my breaking piont and that had been pushed to it by his actions for a long time. I see it now as the excuse that he needed inorder to feel not guilty about going to Mexico or about leaving his family and divorcing me. My husband was not some poor man that he had led me into believing he was. He was emotionally and mentally abousing me from the very beginning of our relationship. The first time it happened in public we had only been seeing each other for about 3 months, I had already moved in with him and we were on a camping trip with his friends who were the ones that eventually gave him his trip to Mexico. They asked him how his business was going and I innocently piped-up and told them the truth. That his business partner ws doing less than half the work as him and getting the same pay and tht he needed to get a new partner. His response to this was “Shut your fucking mouth, don’t you talk to my friends about my business!!!” Then he proceeded to verbally rip me to pieces some more. I didn’t know what to do, I burst into tears and I was humiliated and so embarrassed. He did not comfort me, he went to the pub next to the campground and left me alone crying in the tent. The next morning I hid from him by the river, I could hear him looking for me but I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I knew that I should leave him, but I had no family, I worked for him and I lived with him. I had no where to go, so I decided to stay. My fault was staying, his friends saw how he treated me and so it isn’t any surprise that they should have no respect for me and my feelings. My ego was this; I pretended that everything was perfect in our marriage because I wanted it so badly to be that way. I protected his image; I protected him by not speaking up sooner about how he treated me. I lied to myself; I din’t want to do the work of facing the truth and the truth was that I was lying to myself about being weak. I let fear; the fear of being alone and the fear of his rejection control me in our marriage. But the truth was that he never accepted me and the truth is the finality of his ultimate rejection. I feel as if I have been asleep for a very long time, and that a spell, an illiousion was cast over me and all I needed to do was to trust in myself and the greater good for revelation.
His ego still holds sway over mine as he tries to press fear upon me, many of his threats are about money and assets, he is terrified about losing or sharing the business with me in anyway. My egos sneakes up on me at night bringing me nightmares, of me and the kids being homeless; it takes a lot of strength to lay it in God’s hands and then let it be. Don’t get me wrong I am taking the necessary actions needed to stand-up for myself and my kids in all legal matters, but then comes acceptance time, a time to rest in faith, knowing that we are loved and looked after…….That is when you know you have faced the ego when you spend more time in peace than in fear.
Now in the next part of this chapter I will define EGO.