More Chapter 3
I went on a website that talked about midlife cisis in men, about how they would continure to hurt you even if it wasn’t your fault and that they would probably have an affiar. The reason I went on the sie was that my counselor had told me she thought my husband was having a bad midlife crisis; that hers had, and that he had had an affiar on her that ended their marriage. Well the RAGE that welled up inside of me!!!!! I thought bring it bitch! I went after him!
I smacked him and I kicked him and then I spit in his face, I told him that I was sick and tired of everything being about him and I told him there is a family of 5 here and all of our needs matter too. Then I drove to his friends who had basically given him this trip and I tlod them what I thought about that! I told them that they had stepped into our marriage by offering my husband something outside of his family and that they had disrespected me by doing so and I had always felt disrespect by them. I told her that my husband could stay with them until they all went on thier damn trip. She had the nerve to try to hug me! Then she told me I should have just said no; but they were his best friends, they knew the state that our marriage was in. What the hell?
Now that was ANGER. What good did it do me? Maybe I have lost my husband forever? Yes he was being a shit and yes he was being selfish, but hew was also being human. Whis to blame here? We both are and so are his friends. I could have controlled this better by not trying to control my husband but by trying to understand my fear, my fear of abandonment, and the roots that run deep into my soul from the time of my birth.
Thanksgiving day 10/11/10, I made a wonderful turkey dinner just for the kids and myself, we had a warm bright sunny day and as the turkey cooked I took them to the park to play for a couple of hours. Even though it was just us we at at the dinning room table, I lit the pumpking candles and we gave thanks. Baily our dog is almost 14 now; she is as old as our relationship, it might be here last Thanksgiving so we gave her a human plate full too. As you can see my anger has burned its self out quite a bit, I was so enraged from time to time I could barely stand it, now I cans see why I was so angry not just in his leaving but throughout our entire relationship. The root of the anger is oppression, in our relationship I was made to oppress all of my feelings and even my own intuition. What happens in science and nature when something is held under pressure? It EXPLODES, it BLOWS-UP! He denied me myself; he wanted me to accept being disrespected and being treated like a silly little girl who didn’t know what she was talking about. I changed the dynamic of our relationship when I refused to be treated like a dorrmat anymore. When I confronted his friends who gave him the trip I was drawing a line in the sand. I was saying ENOUGH!
I was not intending our marriage to end, only for it to be reborn out of the ashes of dysfunction, but I suppose my husband could not find himself ( IN LOVE) with a woman who did not sacrifice her own self for his needs. I wanted the intimacy of equality, he needed to have the final authority in the relationship to feel loved, to him this was love; having a woman look up t him as her superior made him feel secure and strong; yet as the years passed and the more dependant I became on him, with the more children that we had together the father down I went in his opinion of me. I had become a shadow of my former self. Even though I lived daily with him I was starved for his love and attention that he withheld as a means of control.
I startd this book before he left and he wouldn’t read it, He thought all of my spiritual stuff was stupid, he complained about the cost of my art supplies and about the time that I waisted on such an extravagance. I was a spoilt brat and I didn’t appreciate what his hard work was paying for. I was finding myself again and he didn’t like it, it made him feel insecure because I was just supposed to be his wife and the mother of his children; I should have left all of the accomplishments to him.
I see now that my anger was a fire bell going off in my relationship over and over again as a warning signal to my spirit; saying GET OUT!! Get out before there is nothing left of you, because that is what he wants and empty vessel that he can fill with his won needs and desires. Now when he is trying to scare me and intimidate me into doing what he wants during the divorce process I understand what that anger is telling me; stand up for yourself, draw the line in the sand, say enough and be glad he left.
Anger can be very helpful feeling, a warning signal to the self when action needs to be taken and a matter needs to be looked into deeply. He denied my feelings because it kept me off balance in having me off balance and not believing in my own intuition I was easy to control and manipulate. What he wanted wa this; make your life abut me and only about me, your problems should just be ignored for my needs, my need are paramount in the relationship and your needs should simply be mine.
We are taught in polite society that nice people are not angry people; especially women, When we see someone angry we are taken-a-back and we thing what is wrong with them? It is just the way we have been socialized, many of us will move away from the situation way before finding out the cause for that persons anger. There is a lot of greed and control in the world that we all are affected by; we all have a right to stand-up and be heard, we have aright to be justifiably angry. Anger is an emotion and like all emotions there are reasons for them; emotions are neither bad or good it is what is at the root of the emotion that makes it either positive or negative. Anger is just a signal to dig deeper.
This is the conclusion of Chapter 3