I remember a few years ago sitting in church with my then husband; I remember becoming highly aware of the fake smile plastered across my face. I thought to myself how fake are relationship was. To everyone at church we looked like the perfect little family with two young girls and we had finnally had our baby boy. How perfect we must have looked; but as you have read so far the inside of marriage was a slight of hand; all smoke and mirrors. The real woman sitting on that church pew was suffering from intense post partum depression and was lonely but not alone. My intuition told me he was having an affiar; yet we sat in the church pew as a happy family.
I hid who he was from the world; I hid his emotional abuse of me due to embarassment and shame. He was very good at inflicting blame and shame onto me. I was his mirror; the shame was his not mine. He had heeped all of his bagage from his childhood onto me and then he expected me to feel all of his shame by constantly pionting out all of my faults.
I grew-up in shame; having a mother that was mentally ill, so it was easy for me to feel ashamed of my post partum when he told me to be ashamed and to hide it from friends and family. He was ashamed of my up bringing as it had been so harsh; but in reality his had been quite hard as well; but in making me more shameful his reality was not as compairable.
Now that I have found my monster (SHAME) I can bring it out of the closet and in to the full light of day; once this is accomplished, like all monsters in the closet it turns out to just be a pile of crap.LOL Like old unwashed, mismatched socks; it amounts to nothing important.
How can or why should anyone feel ashamed for what they couldn’t help; I was not responsible for the family of my origin that I was born into and now I am not responsible for his emotional and mental abuse as I no longer make myself availible for that abuse. I have done everthing that is in my power to use the law to neutralise the situation; now it is a waiting game as the court date approaches this December 1st.
To change the subject a bit; when I tried to post my entry FREE up on my facebook wall, someone had reported my blogg as abusive. Hmmm wonder who? I thought my profile was only open to my facebook friends but when I checked the privacy settings they had become open to the public; it must of been a facebook glitch? His girlfriend or his friends or family may have been looking at my facebook and decided the truth was abusive. If it was his girlfriend or him; I find it very funny in an ironic way that abusers would tattle abuse.LOL
This made me angry ( HAHAHA happens to be the title of the next chapter lol ) but it just burned me up; here I have found a place of free speach; here I have taken off the mask that he wanted me to wear for him for over 14 years of marriage and courtship; and now someone was trying to quiet me?!! THE HELL WITH THAT!
If a challange is put infront of me my attitude is ” BRING IT” instead of scarring me off it invigorated me and ENERGIZED me; now I feel like the mad scientist who is on the verge of the perfect formula and cannot eat or sleep a wink until it is perfected.
I think that most creative artistic people like me are a tad ecentic; ya we can be obsessive and off the wall a times because the power of the need to create and share can be all consuming. This blogg to me is my freedom and my creative mode of expansion. Here you will witness my exceptional weirdness LOL. I feel like energy bouncing off of everything; I am wired with electricity as I obsessivly and compulsivly write my ass off with out a care in the world to my spelling cause the need to get it all down as quickly as I can is more important….. I must remember to breath LOL.
I am going to add a piece of art that I did; it represents an energy atom seen through a high powered microscope. It is what our Universe is woven from and what directly links us together and it is what I feel like today. Just nutty, goffy, nervy energy. LOL