Chapter 2 continued
Even in my intense pain I was given the strength to ride out the emotional pain he put on me, but not with hurting. The children are spending the weekend with him and I just called to say good night to them, they told me tht daddy just gave them the best day ever! He had let them have a friend, that they just met over for a sleep over and they had a school friend come over for a visit too. They all went to the Recreation Center too. The kids told me about their father’s friend coming over to visit; who is a chauvinist pig. My husband is tying to create drama. I know he wants me to call him back crying about; how can he turn the kids against me and how can he hang out with this guy? I must recognize that this may just be my perception of what he is trying to do as I am viewing our relationship through a veil of pain; maybe he is just trying to help our children through this difficult time?
I just have to have the stregth to feel the pain; it feels like what he is doing is intentional, but I know that I have embarrassed him in front of friends that he idolizes and that I have hurt him. If I let his hurtful behaviour turn me towards hurtful behavior then the addiction to drama and co-dependancy continues and nothing will ever be healed. I have to somehow rise abobe this torture without turning to something or someone else to help me forget the pain.
We have both been unitentionally using our marriage as a way not to face ourselves, because I have blamed him for my own unhapppiness and he had blamed me for his. If I Step back and stop venting my emotional pain on him then he has to face himself and I have to face myself as well.
He has told me to get over the fact that he wants a divorce and to start looking for another relationship; to get on with my life. To do that would give him permission to do the same and therefore he would not have to face his own weakness and for me to do that would only cover-up my own pain and issues of abandonment. Falling into the arms and the bed of another man at this time; so early on in the break-up of our marriage would just be another addictive behavior. A way of hiding from the pain so as not to experience the personal growth tht comes from doing so.
When my husband is spending time with this person that seems to hate women, he can stay in his pattern comfortably because he has someone there who supports the idea that all women are bitches and they need to be controlled and punished. If my husband stays in this pattern then there will be nothing that I can do to help him our marriage. By being with these types of people it only solidifies his perpective that it is my entire fault and that nothing in him need to grow or change and he will forever find himself in unhealthy relationships. All I can do is change my pattern of response by not giving in to the drama that causes me to act crazy giving him the excuse to say I am crazy.
I cried my face off when I got off the phone with the kids. I wept for them because they didn’t know why daddy gave them such a great day and because I was glad that they had such a great day and then because I wasn’t apart of it. It feels like my husband is trying to say that they all have so much fun with mommy around. It is just so damn mean!
Now is the time that I have to be very carful with myself, not to over eat, drink and flirt to boost my self-esteem or any other destructive or disrespectful hehavior. It is really hard to suck-it-up. I want to call him up and tell him what I think, but that is exactly what he wants me to do. I need to change so that the dynamics or our marriage and our relationship together can change fo the better. I want to change myself; I want to be responsible for my own happiness and for my own view of the world and the people in my life. I wnat to grow as much a I can, just for the sake of it!
These are birthing pains towards a new life, but I sure wish I could have an epidural!
Nine months later; I have been reborn, I have lost thirty five pounds and I went to Mexico al by myself. I am in the most incredible shape. I can run for an hour and do 45 min of yoga the same day as well as run after my three kids. To top it off I am writing again. I have stayed away from men, not because I hate men but because I need to love myself and my children first.
I want a divorce!