Chapter 1 Darkness

by Grace

My husband is leaving me, after ten years of marriage and the creation of our three children; he has decided that things have been bad for long enough and so it is time for him to leave. Things were never perfect from the beginning, I have a bad temper and he is emotionally controlling. I suffered four miscarriages, one of them at four and a half months gestation; it was that miscarriage that was the most traumatizing for me. When I couldn’t get through my grief in a way that he thought I should the wedge began to slowly rip us apart. Then when we finally had our son, I was griped in the most terrifying post-partum depression; his response was to stay at work and to keep working for as long as possible so as not to face what I was going through at home. Then I started to get MS like symptoms with the post-partum depression, so as you can imagine I was not a fun person to be around and he told me so. Then my sister Sharon was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer; it was the winter when he was home from work; he watched the kids and the baby while I went back and forth from the hospital to help my sister die with dignity.

It has been two years since Sharon’s death, I have moved through the worst of my grief, but my MS symptoms didn’t go away and because of my post-partum depression the doctors wouldn’t believe me; they say it was anxiety caused by my sisters death and my post-partum depression. My post-partum has been over for a long time, Sharon’s death had been grieved, but he neurologist thought it could just be the stress in our marriage that needed to be fixed.

My husband had it with me after that, I am the “no fun girl”, no one believes that I am sick. When his friends offered to take him on a trip to Mexico at an all exclusive resort for eight days he had not trouble saying yes. I tried to be O.K. with it but we hadn’t had a honeymoon or a vacation like that as a family. Many names were called, I hit him. I turned suicidal and put myself in the hospital, while I was there and just before leaving on his trip to Mexico he told me he wanted a divorce over the phone and then he left the next day while I was still waiting to be discharged from the hospital. He called once from Mexico when his wallet was stolen but I hung-up on him. Then for the entire trip he never called us, leaving me and the children devastated wondering if he really ment it or not. It turned out he did, whe he got back he called the house wanting to see the kids and then he informed me that he really wanted a divorce. I begged him not to divorce me and not to leave me but there wasn’t any talking to him. Now he is urging me to think about getting into other relationships and to just get over him and to accept that he is going to divorce me. He says he is doing it for the kids that they will be better off with out all the fighting and he uses this as his only concrete reason, he doesn’t want to have to say “All of you problems are ruining my life and you are not any fun to be around anymore.” Your probably wondering if he is having an affair, me too. It has only been three and a half weeks since he left for Mexico; why would he want me to even think about geting into another relationship unless he is already in one and needs to feel that it is all right to be.

Even after all of this I still love my husband deeply, I am devastated, I am grieving, I am in shock and I am experiencing intense deep loneliness and disbelief. I miss him. I miss him so much and I am afriad that he truly doesn’t love me anymore. I have fallen into the bottom of the deep dark pit, in writing this you and myself I hope to find the way out.