The eagel is the emblem that all armies have taken into battle to ensure protection from the highest power. It is on the wings of eagels that we are lifted up out of the darkest parts of ourselves (ego) to know the mind of God or the Creator. The image of the eagel has been thought to bring victory over ones enemies and to help one experience their own divine connection with God. The picture that I used in the Chapter 5 showed the ugliness of the ego in it’t darkest state; the eagel shows how one feel when one has entered into their own authentic POWER……
There have been many wars faught over the centuries of the human existance. Many of these wars were due to the darkest side of the human ego.. wanting other cultures and people to believe in our GOD or to see GOD through our perception. There have been wars faught just recently and are still being faught over the control of the worlds fossil fuels. To have control over what fuels the mondern words systems of survival would be to have ultimate control.
The wars that are necessary are the wars faught for the rights and feedoms for all. It is the the Dictator that must be over-throw; the Dictator that starves the people under his control, that murders his own people for standing up for their own freedom.
The brave are the ones who sacrifice their lives for the greater good of all; the brave risk and loose their lives for the young children, the old and the unhealthy, the pregnant mother and her unborn babe. These are the heros. They do not live for their own glory but they live for the glory of the victory over the injustices of the world. These are the men and women who deserve our respect and admiration.
We must question the Governments of every nation as to the reasons of the war being faught and the reasons that our men and women are being put into the fight. To ask and demand that they fight for reasons of the ego ( to control and to own what others have ) is to send them out be murdered and to murder unknowingly. It is our job as the people of the world to keep a close eye one collective ego of every Government ( including our own ) so that true justice is alway brought forward.
In saying this it is my greatest hope and intention that there will never be reasons for war again; it is my prayer as a true humanitarian that one day the guns will be silenced.
With that we leave the deepest darkest parts of this book and we make are way out of the pit to middle ground.. eventually the writing will bring us up to highest good and into full awareness. The worst is over we will now begin to see the light.
The ego is the lower mind of the human conciousness, the part of our identity that causes us to separate from the whole of humanity and the human experience. This ego mind is what we associate with when we need to feel that others are beneath us. The ego manifiest it self in arrogance, pride, conciet, greed, grudges, anger, revenge, jealousy, materialism and all negative thought and behavious caused by that thought. The collective ego of a nation can cause hell on earth, it is in this negative energy that Dictators take over countries and genocide is carried out. The collective ego of a nation is what created the Holocaust. Through the insanity of that ego a nation believed they had the right to annihilate and entire race of humanity, because they thought they were superior to them. The ego needs to be in control and it is in fearing that lack of control in our lives that we feel the need to turn towards our ego. The ego thrives on the fact as a means to control.
The ego talks us out of faith and belief, because faith and belief are uncontrollable and it can not be used to feed it’s self. Faith and the belief in the spiritual show us that we are not separare from the whole, that we are apart of a spiritual ecosystem that is far greater than the separate self and in that truth the ego does not exist. That is why the ego mind is constantly thinking us away from the truth. the ego lives only in the body, so what the body doesn’t precieve the ego does not believe. The ego knows that when the body dies it dies with it, because the ego wants you to do whatever it takes to stay alive, even if it means hurting others to accomplish this goal.
Because of the ego we find it hard to forgive because the ego thinks it is always right and that by forgiving you are leaving yourself open to being hurt. It is because of the ego that marriages end in divorce and siblings stop talking to each other; peace will not be found when the ego stands in its way. It is by knowing our higher mind we defeat the ego, yet even being on guard the ego may still sneak past our defenses. It is in this realization that we are all prone to the ego, which makes it easier to forgive others of their mistakes because we are just as human. In judging others we judge ourselves, we are all capable of making the same mistakes.
We must come to the acceptance of the equality of all inorder for the ego to fall away so that the higher mind ( spirit ) can come together with the Divine, the Divinde being the wholenss of creation. Through humility and by being in the service of others we begin to dissolve the ego and it loses it’s grip over our lives and minds. When we are humbled by the circumstances of life and we share these experiences to help others, we begin to understand wholeness. We come to the understanding that we are all in this together and by helping each other we are strengthended.
The ego is false wisdom in the disguise of knowledge; the eog makes us blind to the true wisdom that lives in the spirit. The ego lies and keeps us from the truth, the truth, the truth that we are unbreakable even in death.
Well now.. You can see that at the begininnig of the this chapter I was just a little to humble, what I have already discussed with you is that I recognize my hitting my husband was wrong, but I understand now that I was pushed beyond my breaking piont and that had been pushed to it by his actions for a long time. I see it now as the excuse that he needed inorder to feel not guilty about going to Mexico or about leaving his family and divorcing me. My husband was not some poor man that he had led me into believing he was. He was emotionally and mentally abousing me from the very beginning of our relationship. The first time it happened in public we had only been seeing each other for about 3 months, I had already moved in with him and we were on a camping trip with his friends who were the ones that eventually gave him his trip to Mexico. They asked him how his business was going and I innocently piped-up and told them the truth. That his business partner ws doing less than half the work as him and getting the same pay and tht he needed to get a new partner. His response to this was “Shut your fucking mouth, don’t you talk to my friends about my business!!!” Then he proceeded to verbally rip me to pieces some more. I didn’t know what to do, I burst into tears and I was humiliated and so embarrassed. He did not comfort me, he went to the pub next to the campground and left me alone crying in the tent. The next morning I hid from him by the river, I could hear him looking for me but I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I knew that I should leave him, but I had no family, I worked for him and I lived with him. I had no where to go, so I decided to stay. My fault was staying, his friends saw how he treated me and so it isn’t any surprise that they should have no respect for me and my feelings. My ego was this; I pretended that everything was perfect in our marriage because I wanted it so badly to be that way. I protected his image; I protected him by not speaking up sooner about how he treated me. I lied to myself; I din’t want to do the work of facing the truth and the truth was that I was lying to myself about being weak. I let fear; the fear of being alone and the fear of his rejection control me in our marriage. But the truth was that he never accepted me and the truth is the finality of his ultimate rejection. I feel as if I have been asleep for a very long time, and that a spell, an illiousion was cast over me and all I needed to do was to trust in myself and the greater good for revelation.
His ego still holds sway over mine as he tries to press fear upon me, many of his threats are about money and assets, he is terrified about losing or sharing the business with me in anyway. My egos sneakes up on me at night bringing me nightmares, of me and the kids being homeless; it takes a lot of strength to lay it in God’s hands and then let it be. Don’t get me wrong I am taking the necessary actions needed to stand-up for myself and my kids in all legal matters, but then comes acceptance time, a time to rest in faith, knowing that we are loved and looked after…….That is when you know you have faced the ego when you spend more time in peace than in fear.
Now in the next part of this chapter I will define EGO.
I grew up being viciously beaten by my father, I watched him beat my mother and my siblings too; many times I thought that he was going to kill one of us. One of my earliest memories was when my little brother was born, I was about 4; my mother didn’t wake-up fast enough to get her crying newborn son; this made my father enraged; I watched as my father beat her all the way to his crib. I cried and screamed for my daddy to stop hurting my mommy; I was smart enough to realize that we were living in an apartment and if I screamed loud enough the neighbors would come. My father raised his fist to hit me into submission but I defiantly screamed louder, because I knew the neighbors would come. I remember him looking at me like he understood how smart his 4 year old daughter was, it was almost comical how I made my father submit to my screaming. He knew that I knew exactly what I was doing.
There was always fear and worry in my life from a very, very young age from as early as I can remeber, I worried about my father killing my mother and then I worried about my mother killing herself, because of him and because of her mental illness.
My father was always saying that all women were sluts and bitches, he always accused my prim and proper mother of having and affiar, because of this he was extremly jealous. It turned out that he was the one having multiple affairs when ever he could.
He had to go through having 3 daughters before getting his son. His son was treated like the heir to the family estate and the keeper of the family jewels ( pardon the pun ) . He was quite protective over his son’s assets, if my brother wanted to get us into some serious trouble he just had to fake a ball ping or knock and we were going to get it; that means a beating. As girls we were taught that we were not important, that we were disposable and that we were to serve men.
I was a tomboy, I loved the outdoors and getting dirty and I liked playing with boys; because you always knew were you stood with boys; girls could sometimes be so mean and unpredictable, not to mention bossy. I loved to ride my bike for miles and go on snake and frog hunts and dig-up moles. We were always digging holes looking for buried treasure. I was outside a lot so that I could just stay out of my fathers’ reach. When I was outside I always felt safe; even as a child I felt God’s presents and felt gaurded by angels.
Then at the tender age of 10 someting horrible happened to my body; I started puberty! My body had betrayed me! No one had talked to me about this, I had no idea! I told my sisters and they thought it was gross; then I didn’t tell anyone for along time, not until they showed the film in school; by that time I was 11 and my parents still had trouble believing me. The worst part about it was that the boys just couldn’t stop starring at my chest; by breast came in fast and everyday the boys would comment on how big they were getting and then of course they couldn’t stop laughing about it.
Then men and boys that were way to old for me started to look at me in that way, in a sexual way tht I just didn’t have the coping skills to handle. I felt dirty and cheap, like my body was on display if I liked it or not; it seemed like I was walking around naked. My father was one of the men that wouldn’t stop looking at me that way; he would say his usual women are all sluts and bitches and then look across the room directly at me. It seemed that all men were enemy number one.
Because of my fear of men, I once again have pushed my husband away from me. He told me I was the reverse of male chauvanisium. I was so horrible to my husband; while he was doing his manly chores I took him for granted; I just thought that is what he should be doing, he is a man he should be doing manly stuff. When I was angry I called him a dumb ass; that was one of my favorite names to call him and then stupid. I called him stupid a lot; it doesn’t matter that he seemed to be going to work and working around the house to get away from me, I mean who could blame him. I started off in our relationship as me just being angry at his gender, than I became angry at him not wanting to be with me and then I basically pushed him right out of the house. When I hit my husband it was as if I was striking back at every man that had ever hurt me and at every gender injustice that had or has been dont to women in general, I was so mad that he could have what seemed to be a midlife crisis and as a woman I was just supposed to let it happen. I was sick and tired of being a nice girl and playing by the rules of society and my poor husband paid for it. That was the first reason, the second was that I had felt my husbands feelings of love and intimacy slipping away for about 2 years, as hard as I tried could not get him to admit it. I knew he didn’t want to fight, but by not facing what it was that was causing the problem we could never fix it; so I hit him to elict a response, it ws a final attempt to open him up. It obviously didn’t work; it was the final reason for him to completley withdraw from me emotionally. With my marriage breaking down; I was opened up to see the way I have been miss lead by my pain, how my ego has caused me to move away from love and peace towards anger and resentment. There is a reason for everything, which that I am certain of now, I must forgive to grow in the direction of a higher good and so I must leave the past behind me.
This is what I wrote about him when I was still very confused and hurt. You will see my perception clarifying in the next part of this chapter.
This is also the day, in spiritual circles called the day of ( AWAKENING ) in numerology the number 11 is th number of the angels and 11/11/11 is this number by the power of three meaning the power of divine creation. It is believed that on this day the human spirit begins to understand and AWAKEN to it’s own divininty. The wisdom that we are all a part of the body of GOD or that we are creating creation together. The theory that we all are creating creation together has been called Quantum Physics; it is our energy that affects all energy..everything and everyone is directly linked in a web of energy.
This chapter was purposely numbered as chapter 5; as 5 is the number of disconnection. It is in separation that we live deep within an unhealthy ego; the part of the human experiance that wants ultimate control and needs to condem others who stand in the way of the ego wanting to rule the world.
We all have an ego and having a ego is a part of being human. We have all come as seperate souls to experience existance as a single being. It is normal and healthy to have your own identity. For example; to have your favorite color, foods, ideas, goals and beliefs.
The ego becomes unhealthy when we feel the need to push our beliefs and ideas on others; when we are not willing to hear others ideas or respect others identities or belief systems.
It is in this unhealthy state that dictators rise to power ( like Hitler ) it is in this state that evil is created and wars are waged against this colective ego.
This is just an example of the upcomming chapter that I will share with you.
But for now this is to help us all remember those who faught and lost their lives for the higher good.
Next time we should try to MAKE someone else into us..remember how destructive and evil this can turn; as the healthy ego turns unhealthy on the head of a dime.
This is in rememberance of my Uncle Danny; who died in Vietnam defending his hill from the enemy.. It was said he faught hard and that the metal plaited bible saved his life a few times, as it took a few bullets that were close to his heart. But eventually he was taken down and grieved very deeply by my family. He would always be remembers as the Golden son and brother. This is for you Uncle Danny.. a handsome young man gone to soon in a brutal war… this is for the ones who knew and loved you and that miss you still.
After a while the gravity of our loss crashes down on us with absolute certainty and we can no longer hide behind the shock. This is when the first wave of sorrow and anger comes crashing doen upon us and it feels like we will never surface under the weight of such saddness. Then again and again we maybe engulfed in incredible emotional pain so much so that we may feel physically ill. It is here in the deepest depths of our sorrow tht we feel helpless and so alone, for our grief is ours alone because no one knows our relationship with what has been lost like we ourselves do. It is at this time that our tears fall as if they will never stop. We have been taken up on the stormy sea of grief and on the ocean of tears and by these tears we find our way back to land of everyday life. The more emotion that we let ourselves express and feel the sooner we will come to accept the loss that we must face.
Grieving is inevitable; if we do not face our ship into the storm it will only delay our journey. Grieving can not be avoided, in doing so we will be shadowed with the dark clouds of sorrow until we complete this journey. When we are faced with new grief the old will resurface with a vengeance causing us to finish our unfinished business with it. As friends and nieghbors we need to let the grieving grieve. We need to make room for their sorrow and be strong enough for them so they have someone to comfort them. We should never suggest that they should cope better, because we are only saying so for our own needs.
When someone is grieving we should see this as an opportunity to come out of our own selves so that we may grow in compassion for another. It is a time to learn it is not all about us and our perspective; it is a time to show respect and empathy for the grieving; because we will all experience great loss and be in need of comfort.
When we have learned to accept our loss and when we have learned to live with this loss we have found our way back. After experiencing loss we are forever changed by it; we have weathered a great storm and we have learned wisdom by it. We may forever long for what has been lost because the longing reflects te love that we felf for the one that has left us behind. We are honoring what was, yet we have completed this journey.
Now in this present moment I am still progressing through the grief of the loss of our marriage, I sold the wedding rings, put the house up for sale and found a process for divorce negotiation were we do not have to sit face to face. When I sold my wedding rings my identity as being his wife went with them. I see now that the wedding rings were only a part fo the disguise that I have been wearing that has kept me from myself. The turth is that our relationship was an illusion, because my husband never truly accepted me for who I was a the very begining of our courtship and because I accepted this I am just as responsible fo the house of cards that fell.
When we lose anything in life it is an opportunity to see through our own ego, to become vulnerable enough to see that our personalities and our lives are but mere projections of our attitudes and beliefs. I created this just as much as he did in the fact that I let him believe and treat me as if I was inferior to him. Now that my role as his wife had been stripped away from me, it is no longer a reality and I can see the lies that I told myself and the lies that I accepted from him. I am grieving the loss of the Illusion, how sweet and tempting illusions can be a wonderful distration away from the hard but necessary growth of the human spirit.
Now I know for certain that I truly love him as I have nothing invested in the love that I have for him, I expect no love in return for my love, and I can not use this love as manipulation as he no longer loves me. this is unconditonal love, it is the same love that I felt for my sister as she lay dying, on taking her last breath and while grieving her and even still I love her. My husband could not understand how I could love and grieve her the way I did, because in life we had our issues together, It bothered him that I could make her out to be more than what he thought she was. Now this love is here for him, a love that is forged in grief, because even if he cannot see hope, even if he cannot percieve light, I can. I must stay clear of his destruction and so this love will be from a distance; yet I do not love him as a lover or a husband anymore only as a fellow soul. Now I will get on with the repair and healing of mine and our children’s lives as I prepare for the divorce.
This is to lead up into chapter 4. Chapter 4 in about grief, I am taking you into this chapter gradually by this introduction; because this up coming chapter is very deep and heavy, so lets start on the surface and then I will take you down deep emotionally.
My sisters and I have always used humor to deal with hardship. My sister’s Sharon and Christina loved how I delt with men. I always had trouble taking crap from guys; I think impart because I was a tomboy growing up and I always felt; even at a young age how we were socialised as girls to take thier crap. It seemed to me that guys were aloud to stay kids forever and girls had to grown up into women. It just isn’t fair. But to stand up for men; I do love that about them, I love that they know how to play and find adventure in everything. I liked to play with boys when I was a girl because you always knew were a guys stood on subjects; they just told you stait up what was what. But I have found that society doesn’t like it when women do this; for a woman to be a strait shooter she is called a bitch. I guess I am a bitch to most guys and maybe gals too. I like to tell it like it is; with me you don’t get wishy/washy, sometimes I do realize I can be to forward and through the years I have learned to hold back some; but it is really hard sometimes.
When the guy I was emailing called me phyco this what I really wanted to email back to him:
Thanks to you I have my Granny panties on……..signed….PHYCO
I know my sister Sharon would have loved it!
Sharon always loved it when I told a guy strait up in a funny way what I though about him and his shit.
But Sharon is gone. She died about 3 years ago now; it is times like that when I wish I could call her up and ask her ” do you think I should send that email?” knowing well enough that she would say ” YA! tell me what he writes back.. if he is gonna call you phyco then be one!” Then we would laugh hyserically about it and talk about how stupid men are.
We would make up all kinds of ways that he would react; what he would tell his friends and so on, the entire time trying not to pee ourselves laughing. She would say ” Gracie I just love it when you do that; you don’t let guys tell you who you are.” Then we would look up music on youtube like the new song from Kelley Clarkson ” Mr. Know it all” Sharon would love that song and she would sing it well too, she was an amazing singer.
Once again when my ex bluffed me; saying he wanted to sign the orginal Separation Agreement; that was done-up fair and square; I wanted to call her up with my relief and happiness that it was almost over. I miss her soo much.
To make light of death is called dark humor. We experienced a time like that when our Grandmother died. Our Grandma hated her nose; all her life she was teased even by her own family. They called her beaky or bird nose. She always complained about her nose when we took pictures, she was trying to get herself at a good angle.lol
At her grave site her coffin lay open above the grave; it was this time of year, November. It was windy and a huge gust of wind slammed the coffin shut and flattened her nose! The Pastor was mortified! We all gasped! But then Sharon, Christina I looked at each other and we started to laugh; of course no one knew what the heck we were laughing about; this was horrible. We told everyone about what Grandma thought about her nose and then we told everyone that we thought it was Grandma’s spirit that slammed that coffin shut, cause; she was going into the ground with the nose she wanted!
It was a few years later that Sharon went to my Grandmothers grave to put silk red Christmas flowers into the ground to remember her on Christmas. Little did Sharon know that with in a few short weeks she too was ready for the grave.
My intuition told me that it would be the last time that I would see her; I kissed her hand as she took some of her last breaths on her hospital bed. I tried to take in her scent knowing I would never smell her hair again; knowing that I would never see the shape of her lips or help her paint her finger nails; as her sister through out our lives I had painted her nails many times. I had done her hair and helped her pick out what to wear when we went out dancing. I would never hear her sing again or have her hug me. I tried with all my might to memorize her in every way. I walked down the bright hospital hallway knowing this was goodbye.
On the way home I stopped at my Grandmother’s grave and looked at the red flowers and WEPT
I am sure you can guess and understand that my lawyers response really pissed me off. I was very, very angry. I felt like she was goading me on; like she was trying to elicit a response of drama from me. I do wonder if she is trying to clear herself of any wrong doing by tring to get me to respond unhinged and right pissed. Trust me the temptation was hard to pass-up but I think I kept my cool while standing my ground.
This is my response;
MY LAWYERS NAME;
It has been an extremely emotional time; if you can not understand that then you can not. I don’t feel that what I wrote to you or to ( THE DIVORCE FIRM ) was inappropriate; I think it was very human. You would think that in your line of work you would have seen this before. I had baby sitters demanding payment that was due them. I had and extremely hectic course load; three children and an ex who was taking my only means of transportation. Worst of all he threatened to take the kids from me and he sounded like he had a plan.
If you and ( THE DIVORCE FIRM ) can not understand how I could break under such stress; well there isn’t anything that I can do about that. I think that under the circumstances I did the best I could and I am doing the best that I can do. I can not apologise for that.
As far as my actions; I do not know what actions you are referring to?
It would be nice to experience some compassion and understanding from you and (THE DIVORCE FIRM) but I suppose this isn’t professional. I do not deserve what seems like your verbal spanking.
I haven’t any emotional or financial support from family. I do not need you or (THE DIVORCE FIRM) coming down on me about my behavior as I find it to be condescending and inappropriate of you to heap more stress on me than I am already dealing with.
Like I said before I wish for you all the best in your practice and your personal life.
I then went back and looked at the emails I sent them and this is what I wrote to her.
MY LAWYERS NAME:
I re-read my emails to you and (THE DIVORCE FIRM); I do not find them to be inappropriate at all. It would do you and ( A MEDIATOR AT THE DIVORCE FIRM) some good to learn some compassion. I am very proud of myself and how well I am holding up given the circumstances. You mistook my apology for weakness. I am not here for you are anyone else to condescend to; I do, as does everyone; deserve compassion and respect. I apologized to you out of respect but I cannot seem to have it returned by you.
All the best,
The cold condescending email I recieved from my lawyer today; yup it screwed up my day! I also had to deal with my ex texting me about the insurance on the piece of crap car he dropped here. He wants me to put it under my ownership. I am thinking WOOPIDY DOO! It just is so scewed up.
My frame of mind isn’t at its best tonight so I will continue on with Chapter 4 tomorrow….
Ater I sent my Lawyer that last email she suggested that if I was concerned about the level of service that I was recieving that I should look for legal representation elsewhere. That really ment “If you are not willing to give me more of a retainer, I am not willing to keep you as a client.” that isn’t what she said but it is what she wanted to say. This is what I wrote her by email in return:
MY LAWYERS NAME:
I feel pressured by you and (MY EX). I did not ask to be put in this situation. I have talked to many othre people that have been in similar situations; their lawyers were willing to wait until the sale of the marital home to get paid, someone told me their lawyer waited up to 2 years. I don’t think I am your only client and my not being able to pay you right away will effect you bank accounts.
What it comes down to with you, (MY EX) and ( A DIVORCE FIRM ) is money. None of you seem to care about the children. Its just money.
It seems that I will have to go to the court house myself to the legal aid office and get advice as I can no longer afford to wait for the house to sell for your payment.
Thanks for abandoning me and the kids.
You understood my financial situation when you took me on as a client. If you didn’t think that you could afford to wait for the sale of the house you should not have taken me on as a client.
I feel rippd of by you and ( THE DIVORCE FIRM ); lower stress, less money and time it takes to divorce. Ya right!
Now that I do not have a lawyer lets just see what he is capable of.
Yes I am fed up and feeling hopless at this time. You ( THE DIVORCE FIRM ) have not been able to put this dicorce to bed. I am sick of being his damn victim and a victim of these circumstances.
I then sent an email aplogising for my Anger;
MY LAWYERS NAME;
I apologise for my harsh words; I do regret my anger.
I understand that it is a business that you can not base your income on not knowing when you will be paid.
(MY EX) threatening to take the kids sent me ove the top; please try to understand that they are everything to me and to loose them would be tragic.
I understad that you can not be my lawyer as I can not afford your services.
I understand that you did the best you could given that (MY EX) was and still is unwilling to move forward with out everything going the way he wants it to.
I have gone to the court house and I have spoken to a lawyer who gave me free advice and services. I will officially file a motion for emergency custody and support tomorrow.
This is the cool/cold response that I got back.
I have sent you a letter confirming the termination of my services. I have also informed ( MY EXES LAWYER ).
MY LAWYERS NAME
I recieved her letter and then another one exempting herself in detail. And this was my reply.
MY LAWYES NAME;
I have recieved your letter requesting a payment of ****. I will get this amount to you as soon as I am able. This will not be until Family Allowance is depositied into my account. I am experiancing financial hardship due to the fact that I had to pay out the day care expenses that (MY EX) would not.
And then replied again
MY LAWYERS NAME;
Thanks again for all of the hard work that you have done; I have not hard feelings against you. I simply can not afford your services; I have to work with Duty Council at the court house. I have done the leg work myself. (MY EX) and I have a court date set for December 1st. Dut to my financial hardship I am forced to represent myself.
I wish you all the best in your practice and in your personal life.
This is what I got back.
Your actions and comments to me were completely inappropriate. I was hired to assist you on a very limited retainer. I did far more than I was originally retained for as for far less than I would usually charge my clients. I saw the email you sent to ( THE DIVORCE FIRM) as well and believe that was very inappropriate as well.
I find the whole situation most unfortunate. I have nothing else to say in the matter.
MY LAWYERS NAME
I am going to share with you my journey thus far through our Canadian Legal System. I feel as a single mother that I have been continually victimized by this system. I am going to share with you my emails to my lawyer to show you how absolutly frustrating this experience has been for me. First off I approached a lawyer in Vernon that was extreamly cash hungery and I could see as soon as he found out that my ex had all the assets in his name that he was more than willing to jump ship. It was a slow process of manipulation by my ex that made it possible for all of the assets to be in his name. That would take to long to explain. Lets just say that he took advantage of my vulnerability when I was pregnant; by knowing I couldn’t even put up a verbal fight due to the fact that I could miscarry very easily.
To catch you up my ex has made it impossible for me to work or attend College because he will not pay his share of daycare expenses. He replaced a broken down vehicle with another soon to break down vehicle. The title of he house is in his name; he took me of the business accounts ( he was able to do this when we switched banks; I did not have signing authority by Power of Attorney only through the bank.) I was once again pregnant at he time and not able to but up an agument about it because the stress could cause me to loose the baby. I did loose the baby anyway due to all the other stress in our marriage. To get back to the assets he also has three vehicles in his name that are in good working condition. The bucket of dust that he gave me to drive our three kids around in doesn’t even have the winter tires on as he saw fit to just throw them rimmless in the trunk of the hunk of junk. The car looks decent on the outside but he mileage is huge.
This is one of the emails I sent to my lawyer as things started to really fall apart with mine and my lawyer’s relationship:
My Lawyers NAME;
MY EXES NAME..was to pay just over $800.00 in day care expenses the first month that I was in class he only paid $328.00. My sitter sent in what was owning for 2 weeks because she didn’t understand. I then resubmitted to you what was owed. I couldn’t get it before they needed to be paid and it didn’t seem that I could bet anything strait with anyone.I had to pay out what was owning and this has left me very cash poor. (MY EX) has not repaid that money!
I couldn’t get anything consistent from you or his lawyer about when he would pay the rest causing me to have to face the fact that I would have to drop out of classes as I couln’t get any consistant payment. This caused my day care to quit. I had no choice but to drop out.
I have not been able to get anything consistent; no post dated checks and he has not been taken to Family Maintenace, the custody had not been made legal. NOTHING has worked in my favor at all. I have no family to help me and no friends that are close enough to help me wiht money or legal matters. I have been made a victim of by the legal system and the kids are being vitimised with me.
I have done EVERYTHING that I can do in my power to set this on a strait cours and I can not seem to get anywere
It is impossible for me to provide you with anymore money unless you are willing to wait for the sale of the house. I can not work as (MY EX) will not pay for day care I can not have another child in my house under my care as the situation with (MY EX) is so volitile.
It is obvious that I have been put into an impossible situation.
I also need a letter from you that explains to the Registrar of the College why I could not pay for the day care expenses and why I had to drop out so that I can be partially refunded my tuition.
I understand that you need to run a business and you have a family to support. If you can not wait to recieve funds from the sale of the house is there anyway that I could qualify for legal aid? I tried before but I was told I didn’t qualify. There has to be some way we are protected by the law. We have a right to have our rights met.
Everytime something gets messy in my life I get busy creating something out of it. I have writen down my thoughts and feelings since I was a small child, since I can remeber I was able to paint and draw. One way of dealing with difficulties it to develop a sick sense of humor, if you can learn to laugh at sorrow you got it beat.
It was anger that pused me into finnally starting this blogging site. I had writen my book, but I just couldn’t get a publisher to pick me up LOL. I want to self publish but right now I am waiting to see if the College will refund my tuition fees after my ex made it impossible to attend classes by refusing to pay for his share of day care expenses.
I was interested in this guy who is a writer; one again our stupid little email chit chat; got stupid again ( do I sound angry LOL ?) It ended with him calling my Phyco, guess I was for trying to be friends and having romantic feelings for a ghost. I say ghost because I met him twice in 10 months but we exchanged many emails that always ended up with me saying something wrong. This time I wanted to meet him in person for a coffee. Turns out I was being coniving cause I told him we had to meet in person or just stop the silly email stuff. Then coniving turned into phyco cause I basically told him to get his head out of the clouds or his ass.. were ever it was; cause I couldn’t tell by email LOL. Now that I am writing it all out its really making me laugh; it sounds so silly. All that time I was trying to convince him that I am perfectlys sane while sounding to him like I was going slowly crazy. Damn thats funny!
Right now Iam on POF as a writer tying to get information from guys about what they want out of women for my next book. YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE HOW MANY GUYS TELL ME THEIR LAST GIRLFRIEND WAS CRAZY!!! Its true! All women are fricken nuts! Hahahahahhaaaaaaa LOL
I read this book cover at Chaptes titled ” WOMEN ARE CRAZY MEN ARE STUPID” LOL that is how we percieve each other when we are pissed off. Cause you know I think he is damn STUPID; yup I told him so too LOL. I know I am not chopped liver; common! I have been told I got it goin on LOL
But anyway I digress; the piont I am tring to make is that I went on his blogg all sad one night; the night I started the blogg; and I thought ” what the hell if he can do it so can I” ” I have more talent in my big toe than he has in his entire body.” I am saying that very indignantly LOL.
That anger pushed me into doing this FINALLY. I picked-up my ” WORDPRESS FOR DUMMIES” and I taught myself how to do it in one night SOOOOO HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! LOL
Cause my friends; SHIT grows stuff! You can plant as seed in shit and it will grow very well because of the shit lol; then it will bare fruit, and more seeds with drop from that fruit and more life will be created from those seeds…. and so on!
So don’t waste it! Everything can be turned into a positive….nothing is shit!
Now I am going to sound sorry for myself a little bit. I just can’t seem to find a guy that really wants to get to know me. I seems to me men want women to fit into their lives; it doesn’t seem to be a question if they fit into our live or my life. I have never met a man that has been interested in really getting to know who I am as a person. They like to tell me who they think I am though or who the would like me to become for them. I really hate it when guys tell me who I am when they never took the time to listen to me in the fist place. I think at this piont in time I am going to remain single for those reasons. Its like hello my eyes are up here stupid.LOL I said STUPID lol. But really when my lips are moving how about listening to what I am saying instead of thinking about what you would like to put in my mouth. You know they are thinking about it when they get this dreamy look in their eyes while staring at your mouth as a creepy little half smile crosses their lips. STOP IT STUPID and listen to me. Like DAMN!
Oh I am enjoying my rant; I hope you did!
I do not regret a single word that I have writen on my blog. Through writing my blog I have found myself; I know myself and to know yourself is the greatest treasure of all, because to know yourself is to be true to yourself and to be true to yourself brings you into the light.
Every post on this blog is like a piece of treasured gold; every post makes up the treasure chest that is my heart; every writing came from my heart. I did bare my soul and by doing so I help to lead by example; facebook friends, readers off of the net that google and other bloggers who read my post, learn that they are not alone in thier own journey and experiences.
I wouldn’t not change a day of my life; I would not change the past; even those that I loved that have passed on, I wouldn’t change that either; because of the lessons and the wisdom gained through the pain of having to learn to live without them. I believe it was meant to happen the way it did; and I believe it is the same way for us all. If we have the courage and the strength to face pain we do gain; we gain more of ourselves, we gain intense personal and spiritual growth. Most of all we glean what we have all come to the Earth School to gain; that is wisdom.
I have learned; the most important lesson of all; that is service. I exposed my heart to help others heal. It is in the service of helping others that the greatest treasure exists.
I had to write to help myself first so that I could truly help others; I had to be true to me to learn about truth.
I hope I have served you well; I hope that I have shown you the human experience; most of all I hope that I have shined the light on your very soul, to show you how indestructable that we all are.
Nothing in more priceless as the human spirit; like the diamond; nothing is as strong as our divinity.
I wish to give you, you.
I couldn’t believe how much things changed for me when I became a single mother and woman again; I know what I am about to share here on my blog hasn’t just happened to me, because I have talked to other single mom’s who say similar things.
First about 50% or more of my friends that were married started to ignore me and then just cut off contact with me; a couple of friends turned it around on me to make themselves feel better about thier abandonment of our friendship. Saying that I was just to needy or that I deserved it when my husband had an affair and left me; because I wasn’t a good enough wife; meaning I should of behaved myself.
Married women ( not all of them ) treated me differently and their husbands did to; I really felt like the shuned woman; I know that I am not alone in this, as other women of all ages told me that they experienced the same crap.
I felt it right away; moving into a town housing complex; from some of the women; I was a threat. And then the other crap; is the guilt put on me by some for wanting to have someone new in my life to love and be loved; like I am a bad mother for dating, even though my kids don’t have anything to do with it, they don’t know cause they are not home on the weekends when I do go out on a rare date.
Then its the guys that I have dated; treating me like damaged goods when they find out that my ex left me. The guys that only want sex; that don’t want to love or respect me. Dating has been a battle field! It has sucked! I feel like I am giving up hope; and I am a postive person. But I don’t; this time I just went on a paid site; Match.com; not POF were any Joe Blow can join just to play around. But I am not holding my breath!
I just can’t get over how cruel the world has been to me in the last couple of years; my horrible hateful ex; he hates me because he doesn’t want to face his own weakness with his affair and his leaving me and the kids; it’s just easier to blame me for everything. He did all the time in our marriage anyway. I am doing everything now but I did when we were married too; so really I am better off; cause I am not sleeping with him and he is a accross the Okanangan Valley! *WHEW*
But with the the selfish; cold hearted men I have dated and with the bitchy jelouse women that live in the complex with me; I have had it! I figure I am due here now UNIVERSE! This is BS; I have worked so hard to make my way; I have kept my head up high; I have kept my dignity inspite of many trying to rob me of it and I have been a great mother and brave person through all this crap.
I have worked very hard on my life and my book.
I am due a huge break through; I deserve it!
But tonight I am so tired; I have run so many errands; sent off so many emails; and handled so many important phone calls; I have cleaned, packed and organized and I still have so much to do!
Today is the day my mother died way back in 1983; I was thirteen, I have no family to help me today; and today I miss her, it’s days like this when a girl really needs her mother.
You can usually pick us out in a crowd; most of us have a style of our own, we have a vacant look sometimes as we are almost always contemplating upon our next creation.
The musician moves to his/her own beat. They wake up in the morning with a song in their head or they dream up new lyrics. To an artist; the place of dreams, the deep subconscious, is a place that holds the treasure of our creations. Many of us use our dreams as spring-boards for our creations. The musician, singer or lyricist can’t help but to feel and hear music in everything. The beat and the tempo are in the way they walk, talk and communicate. They just can’t help themselves; the vibrations of the universe move through them like their very pulse.
The actor/actress seems detached in many ways; as they are watching you and other people to create their next character, they study voice, body language and emotions. Most who are into acting study human nature without a thought, as it is just a natural way. Actors stand out; they love drama; they love laughter and sorrow. They may seem odd to most people but we can’t help but be drawn to the flame of passion that burst forth from their dramatic flair.
The photographer, painter and sculptor, see through the matrix of creation; we see the core, we see the essence and we wish to capture it in color, light and form. We are also somewhat detached as we need to see; to really see, to understand creation past the self. We love passion; all artist love passion.
The dancer is sensual; the body an instrument for their passion; they love the music, the burn of muscle as the push their bodies past what would be considered normal; for the sake of it. To become the music, to fly with the music..for the passion!
We create drama; and live our dreams for the passion. It takes great courage to be an artist of any type; as society and family members will say that an artist in the family is hopeless dreamer. They may say you are wasting your time on something that will not make you money.
Many artists are called crazy and deluded by others that have chosen normal jobs that give them a guaranteed pay check. Artists have to be fighters; they have to live for their passion. Most of us have to work at other jobs to support our craft. Society needs artist to create beauty and drama; without us to entertain and enlighten the world it would become a very dull and ugly place.
Yes we are different; dramatic, passionate, and odd. We express ourselves through everything we do as it is in our nature to do so; but without us life would lose meaning, culture would disappear and society would become gray and flat.
Artist need support; through family, friends and society. Without us you wouldn’t have movies; theaters, galleries, photographs of history or beauty, we keep record of the civilized world. Artist brings about civilization through creation for the sake of passion.
Instead of thinking “ Who the hell does he/she think she is up there on that stage, or wanting me to read their writing or look at their art ?” try to see that someone has to dare to have the courage to stand out, to bring beauty into the world.
I just want to fly away
I don’t want to think today
I want to soar in to the sky
Bright and blue
It feels true
I don’t want the world to hold me down
I don’t want anyone to bring me down
Like a kite on a string
I want to cut away everything
I want to be free
Free from too much responsibility
Everyone thinks they can tell me who to be
What to do and what to think
I just want them to forget me
Forget my name
Forget that I was hear
Forget that you knew me
Forget what you think about me
Set me free
Let me be
I want to fly like I do in my dreams
My feet they never touch the ground
My heart touches the sky
I part the clouds when I fly by
I ride the sunshine
Nothing here feels right to me
Nothing feels like home to me
I want to migrate like the birds
Until I find a place that feels like mine
Today I can’t go outside and play with my children; I can call to my oldest daughter and ask how her little brother is doing as she is watching him for me. I can go outside and rescue him if he really needs me but I can’t play with them outside.
The moms that hate me for my blog talk to the moms that don’t and things get uncomfortable when I come out to talk to anyone. I can’t hang-out outside because I feel like I want to cry or like I did yesterday tell someone off for being so cruel and immature.
It started with the woman that lives across from me when I first moved in; I knew I was getting sized up. She acted like my friend and then talked over me and ignored me the next moment; the hot and cold passive aggressive game of controlling the social situation. It became apparent to me that she was the princess in the complex and she saw herself as ruling the hen roost; so to speak.
I tried to make friends with the other moms in my neighborhood; I tried to hold a community picnic; the ones who most opposed me didn’t show up; even though they were in town. Or the ones that did show up complained about how I ran it and that it shouldn’t cost them any money. It was a bitch fest to be honest but I tried to remain positive and hold the picnic anyway; even with the rumor that I was collecting the money to keep for myself; and even though I spent a couple of hundred dollars of my own money to hold the picnic. Being a single mom; it wasn’t easy but I was trying to bring about community spirit and I felt it was important to all the kids in the town housing complex. Oh; one rumor was that I was doing it for attention.
Anyway that was a struggle; when I went to school a couple of moms offered to help me out with daycare; my ex wouldn’t pay the daycare, one mother wouldn’t lay off; she kept saying it wasn’t about the money but if I didn’t pay her by such and such a time she wouldn’t baby sit for me. I asked her to please just hold in until I could get him to pay; but I was hounded mercilessly for money. She knew the intense stress I was under because of my ex; with school and being a single mom. I paid her and the other mom every cent I owed them and I was forced to drop out of school by the lawyers not being able to get my ex to pay up before they would quit. The stress caused me to get into a car accident the day I decided that I would have to give up and quit college.
These women all knew of my intense heartache at the loss of my marriage; they knew about his affair that he had while I was pregnant with my son; my sister’s death and the fight that I had to put up constantly against my ex to have him be fair in the divorce that he had caused. They knew and know I have no family; I have no help; I have no one.
When I wrote the blog and posted (The Divine Feminine 1 -6) they were all on my facebook; I put up two warning post stating that I was going to post the sensual photography of myself to express The Divine Feminine. The one that lives right across from me that opposes me the most; her husband was also on my facebook. He was second from the top of my facebook profile for viewing the Divine Feminine. Right after I posted The Divine Feminine; the very next day upon picking up my kids from school not one of them would give me eye contact; I could tell that they were talking about me to each other like little school girls telling secrets. It was very immature and cruel and very obvious! I started to talk to one of the moms about a facebook friend that we had in common; she rolled her eyes and walked away from me and a head of me. I confronted her on her rudeness on the walk home. I was told she didn’t want to talk to me about men who were attracted to me; I was told I was a selfish mom for writing the blog and for expecting other people to read it. I felt she was saying that I was selfish for posting my sensual photos.
The next day it was the same and then some of them joked around on facebook about starting a blog to teach others how to love themselves. I confronted this as well with a phone call; I was told I was paranoid. Every time I tried to confront the issues of their pettiness and insecurities in an adult manner I have been called names or told I am imagining things.
When I went to school to get my kids again and the same happened with the gossiping about me as if I wasn’t there as if we were all children attending the elementary school ourselves. This time I confronted them on facebook; telling the woman who lives across from me to have the guts and the maturity to say it to my face. This is when her husband took it upon himself to attack me on facebook; saying that I was man crazy and ignoring my children for my blog and a bunch of other very cruel things that he chose to say to me; like I was now officially the Crazy Lady across the way. His retort was out of guilt as he was the one that read and re-read for the pictures The Divine Feminine. He was calling me down to help him get over his own guilt.
Yesterday when I confronted one of the other husbands and his wife I was told that I betrayed their trust on posting about my experience with all these women and their husbands as I judged them as they judged me by exposing to them all of their imperfections. This was to show them that they had no right to point fingers at me as we all know when you point a finger in judgment at anyone else there are three pointing back at you. This couple had trouble with their sex lives; they have strict puritan values; he was turning to looking at porn occasionally because his natural needs were not being met. (Just being a guy really) anyway yesterday he started to lecture me about rebuilding trust with them after posting this about them. But his lecture to me sounded like a lecture that he got from a marriage councilor about rebuilding trust in his marriage with his wife and he told me I should get see a councilor; I was trying hard not to laugh; it was hard; he was telling me I would have to walk on eggshells with them to prove I was trustworthy again. All I could think about was poor guy!
I guess the point is they are all putting their insecurities and shortcomings onto me. I make the women uneasy because I am confident in my own skin; I make their husbands uneasy for the same reason.
I am a woman doing for myself; it is me with my babies; I am constantly moving them to higher ground. I have taken on my ex and his cruelty; I have taken on their cruelty. I have worked very hard to get a name for myself in Kelowna’s art community. I am working very hard at my blog and it is being successful with the amount of traffic on it. I am almost finished writing my book. I am living my dreams and working hard in spite of what others do to me and throw at me.
I think that I make some people uncomfortable because I do so much as a single mom; I don’t sit around and gossip; smoke and text on my deck ignoring my kids. I don’t talk other people down to make myself feel better. I do things; I accomplish things; I talk to my kids and I play with my kids and I take care of myself too. I think that some people see this as an affront to them. As if I think I am better than them; you know they can do whatever they want; but just don’t come down on me for doing what I want. I posted about them to protect myself from being bullied by them in front of my kids. I posted about them to protect myself. I am their mother; they heard and are still hearing and seeing their emotional and mental abuse of me. My kids want to know why I am being picked on; I tell them because I have dared to stand out and try to make a difference. My girls have told me that once the book comes out they will pick on me more and call me selfish even more; because these women will not understand the art of the photography or the message of the book. My kids have seen the photography and they understand the message in the book. My kids are smart as most kids are smarter than we give them credit for. So we will have to move to keep all of us safe from prejudice. It is prejudice.
Yes I want a man in my life. But I have not found one who is willing and wanting to love me; just men who want to have sex with no strings attached. I know I am better than that; I know that I am a Goddess just as every woman is a Goddess. I deserve the best and I am making the best out of nothing.
I am a warrior and I will continue to charge into the fight and I will win; I will!