CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

by Grace

I found the Christmas Spirit in a strip club…what was I doing in a strip club? I had just finished watching ( THE SHADOW EFFECT…Illuminating the hidden power of your true self) for one to do this..one must face the darkest parts of the self to become enlightened..the person or persons that you judge the most or the ones that show you the darkest parts of yourself.

I thought about who that was..and I realized it was Lucifer’s girl friend..whom I called Lucifer’s Wench..her behaviour and lifestyle..was what I had judged the most in any one person this year..as well as I had judged him for what he had done to us both..having his cake and eating it to so to speak…So in order for me to understand her and to understand him..to understand fully what had happened between the three of us..I decided I needed to go into the strip club here in Kelowna that she had stripped in..it’s called the Cadillac Lounge.

I hadn’t been in this place before and to tell you the truth I had only been in two strip clubs before that..once was by accident..I was a young girl of about 18 looking for a bathroom..I thought It was a pub..but imagine my suprise LOL..the other time was this summer..one of my girlfriends an I were half drunk and we were hoping night clubs..we decided the more upper class strip club downtown didn’t have that big of a line up so we went in and had a few drinks..it was wild and kind of fun..sort of a crazy..silly thing to to..a walk on the wild side..

So I thought this place The Cadillac Lounge would be similar..I expected it to look life FLASH DANCE..and even though I was going in alone..I thought I would have the courage to have one drink and watch a girl do some good dancing maybe?..but this place was not what I expected at ALL!

I drove up to an unpaved parking lot to see a bunch of guys having a literal pissing contest outside…OMG!..but I had promised myself that I would have the courage to have one drink..that I was doing it for Tara and for myself..for the experience of walking in her shoes.

I went inside..into the blue and black lights..through the doors that smelt like old sour whiskey and vomit..I could smell pot as well…The place smelled old..dirty and moldy.. as I went inside..all eyes were on me..even the bouncers looked shocked..”Are you looking for someone honey?” I was asked before I walked through the second doors..the bouncer said..”cause the guy you want isn’t here!” The group of them all started laughing..I held my head up and I said ” I am sure he isn’t.” the laughed some more as I went all the way inside.

I went to the bathroom right away to muster up my courage..I took my coat off..it was hard to do..I felt like a target..but I went out to face the wolves..I walked around looking for the stage..all eyes were on me..a couple of guys said “WOW” I made eye contact so that they wouldn’t think I was as freaked out as I was..I found the stage..it was so small..I guess it didn’t matter if the girls danced or put on a show..it was all about he hardcore sex here and nothing else..Thats when something incredible happened to me..something very beautiful…

I was filled with compassion for Tara..and love..I thought of myself in this place on that stage..and I knew I would have done whatever it took to get out of here..I would have scratched and clawed my way out..OMG..I felt so humbled by this new understanding..and I felt intense sadness for this young woman..what a harsh cold reality..how cruel to live like this..to have no one..but the girls you work with as your friends..were was her family..I wondered?

I couldn’t even make myself stay for one drink..I couldn’t even have a glass of water in this place..For the first time I felt some respect for Adrian..I know he is 27 years older than her..but he got her out of this place..I hope he keeps her out of this place for good..I hope he protects her..and treats her kindly..I hope he gives her love and respect and treats her with the gentleness that all women want, need and crave.

I saw every woman that night..I saw my daughters in Tara..I saw myself..I was and I am very humbled by this experience..

It was in the strip club that I felt the Christmas Spirit the most strongly than I have ever felt it in my entire life..I didn’t get the Christmas Spirit for getting gifts from others or even giving a gift..it was through compassion and through forgiveness that I felt and became apart of The Spirit Of Christmas.

It stayed with me all night..I text messaged her this very morning to tell her..I don’t think she quite believes me yet..she has had to survive her guard is up..and I totally understand it.

I was and still am being judged for posting my sexy pictures on the blog..by those who didn’t understand that I was using them as an example to help do away with porn..but some women saw it as an attention getting sceem..that I was being a bad mom and a selfish person..Tara has been judged like this her entire life by women..the ones like me who hadn’t walked in her shoes..who don’t understand..she was trying to survive in the way she was taught to survive..she is doing her best to get out of this loop of dysfunction…

Others deamed me a slut and a whore for my writing and work..they see me as being to on the edge..women should be nice and bake cookies not post sexy pics.

I felt so strongly about what had happended that I wanted Tara to really understand that I meant my appology so I went out to get her and Adrian..and his kids…something for Christmas..I got her some make-up..something I would buy my little sister..and for him and his kids some chocolate..good chocolate.

I told her I was comming by at 4pm to drop them off and talk to her for a bit..but then it started to take a turn as she wanted me to appologise to her friend who had posted some stuff on the blog..I said her friend must have been a stripper like her on my reply to one of her post..she wanted me to meet with her and her friend in a public place to do this..

I told her flat out..I am not wanting to dredge stuff up..I am wanting to bring peace to this matter..I am not perfect..I can be a bitch..and I can have a temper and I make a ton of mistakes..I am not playing games anymore..I want to talk to you..to wish you a Merry Christmas and to give you some gifts..

She just wasn’t going to be home at 4pm even though I gave her plenty of time to be there to meet with me..I told her I was just going to drop them off with Adrian..she didn’t want me to meet with him face to face..I text messaged him and told him that I would be dropping the gifts of in 15 min..he text messaged back and asked me if his son could grab them..I just walked over and his son met me at the door.

I have not been text messaged a thank you..but it doesn’t matter..the reason I say they have not said thank you is because I know you are wondering…but I did it for my own selfish reasons too..forgiveness is a selfish act..I need to forgive them..and give them kindness so that I can be released from the hate and from the game..

I truly do feel love and compassion for the human story..

I feel compassion for myself as well..to know better is to do better..

Merry Christmas!