ALONE

ALONE.

ALONE

I have always been alone… no one has stayed in my life. I didn’t have my children to fill this.. I fill their lives as I am their parent and mother.. All of the people who were suposed to uphold me never stayed.. they left me. Even my good friends moved on..as friends do.. they always do for me..they move away or they decide that I am to much work.

The men in my life.. have always left me.. they never stay.. my ex lasted 14 years.. but in truth he was never there for me he only wanted me there for him.. he left me alone even when he was in the same room..as he ignored me all the time.

Since then.. I have met men… and my hopes soar..I think that this time, the romance will happen..he will show me the moon and the stairs…but the dream vanishes before it has a chance to become reality.. like a wisp of smoke or a mist in the fall air..the dream is gone..he is gone.

I lay awake at night and I dream of him.. who will he be? I make up a new life in my imagination.. I imagine myself happy and in love..sharing my life with him.. we travel..we create..we cuddle and we make love..I laugh at his jokes and he laughs at mine.

But in reality.. Do I push them away before it can begin? As soon as I start to fall for him..I feel pain… I expect him to leave..they all do they always do…everyone leaves me..I will show you the door, because I know you are going.

This is how it happens; he kisses me, holds me and then he doesn’t call for a few days..mean while I have been living in my imagination expecting the dream.. but he doesn’t call or when he does he says something insensitve.. I am waiting for it as my wounds of past loves gone wrong are still there waiting to burst open and bleed again.. he doesn’t call or when he does he sounds cold and impersonal.. I help him leave.. cause that is what they do.. I get defensive.. because I am hurting and I expect him to hurt me; because they all do..so I tell him; not to call..I can even push him out the door physically when he will not commit to a strait answer.. yes I expect him to go..thats what they do.

He could stop this from happening, he could keep me..if he wanted to..if he would only call me right after.. not making me wait on my old pain.. not leaving me alone with my thoughts and imagination… he could keep me if when he sees me he would wrap me in his arms right away.. he could keep me then.. he could keep me if he told me he wanted me to be his girl.. yes then he could keep me..if he called me throught the day.. just to say hi and that he misses me.. then I would be his.. he could have me that way…if when he saw me he made love to me.. not just sex.. but cuddles and real love.. yes than he could keep me from pushing him out the door.

If he made room for me in his busy life.. if he took the time to include me if he didn’t exclude me… yes he could keep me from pushing him away.

But in the balance not smother me.. not try to own me.. just want me..than I would let him stay.

SACRED…. Chapter 14

SACRED…. Chapter 14.

SACRED…. Chapter 14

Being is sacred. It is everyone’s own individual experience with God that is sacred; whether it is in nature, in one of the many temples and churches that we build to worship or simply in prayer, this is were we find our own perception of sacred. We understand holiness by morality, the morality of doing unto others as we would have done unto ourselves. It is by seeing through the illusion of the world that we precieve what is sacred; when we let go of selfishness and we embrace the needs of others we realize the path to salvation.

The Savior has come to the entire human race, in every culture in the way in which he/she would be understood at that time and place and by that certain culture. It will be in the acceptance of each other and in the wisdom that we are all one and that we are all on the same journey.. then we will finally reconcile with our Divine origins.

This will happen whe we come to the understanding that not one of us owns GOD, but all of us are a part of GOD.

God’s relationship is different to all of us to meet our specialized and individual needs, God sees us as the individuals that we are but we are all equal in they eyes of God. God speaks to us in the way that we are able to hear and understand God and we speak to God in our own unique way. How is it then that many of us feel that others should have the exact same relationship with the Creator? How is it that may religions seem to think that they are the chosen ones and that everyone else is wrong in their belief systems with the Divine?

The ego wants us to believe we own God, the concepts of God and how we connect with God. The ego wants to CONTROL how we let others experience salvation and truth. It is the ego that causes fanaticism and cultish behaviors. The ego suppresses the fluidity of the Spirit that has been compared to the wind, water, earth and fire. How can man suppress the Spirit when it is in all life and it has been given to comfort all? The ego says the only way that you can have God is the way I let you. As we know the ego feeds itself from our fear. It is the fear of eternal damnation that causes us to damn others, we damn others in the hope that we shall evade damnation in doing so. It is in the judgement of others that we cause ourselves to be judged. All religions teach that we are a part of a whole and that we wish to return to this wholeness after our lifes journeys end. the goal is to help humanity reconcile with the Divine existence; to find truth and return home with this wisdom. We are here in this reality to experience spiritual growth and development for the whole of existance. We are here to grow closer to God and to recognize our genuine self that is also divine. It is all about the growth and the evolution of the human spirit as a whole and about separate spiritual growth.

The tree of life is one of the most sacred symbols of the human spiritual growth and self awareness. Christ is seen as the tree of life in his self sacrifice and resurrection he became the bridge between this reality and the reality of the eternal. In the Kabala the tree of life helps us to evolve and awaken so we can become reconciled with the divine. Buddha is enlightened uder the Bohi tree. the tree gives us the understanding of connectedness with creation; it shows growth and fruition of wisdom in it’s fruit. It is the fruit of the spirit that we harvest at our life’s end. this treasure is the only wealth that we take with us when we leave this world or reality; this is the richness and perfection that eternity is woven from.

I AM CRAZY

I AM CRAZY.

I AM CRAZY

I am the crazy lady next door.. I am crazy to some because I wish to make a difference.. I am crazy because God speaks to me.. I am crazy because right now the Spirit of Creation has asked me to write this right now.. I am crazy because I know and believe that it is God that runs through me.. that it is GOD that is in everyone and in everything!

I am crazy because I know you who read this are ready to read this.. you have been empty and you wish to be filled.. In my dream God said to me ” REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE” In my dream I was shown how people would act like animals biting and attacking me because I wish for a man to love me and protect me.. because I wanted to be seen and respected because I wanted life to be real.. for people to be real for each other.. for this false reality that we have created to come to an end..so that we can all start living.. really living in awareness and wakefullness…

I wrote about the horrible stuff of real life to lead you here to the real writing to the enlightnment.. I put up the pictures of my flesh to show you that the flesh is nothing to be ashamed of.. that shame keeps us from the light of GOD,, that shame keeps us from God.. God that each and everyone of us are.. we are all a part of the body of GOD and creation.

As it says in the old writing he that hath an ear let him hear.. he that hath and eye let him see.. he that hath a heart let him feel,, he that hath a mind let him think.. he that hath a soul let him know his soul.. the old and the new shall be made whole again.. there will be scribes that will write out the wisdom.. this is the wisdom.

These words are in the bible and in other religious scriptures of religions around the world.. they are not given word for word.. I do not want to get into a fight over the scriptures.. so see that I am giving the general meaning.

We are asleep in the fake world that we have created.. I remember who I am now.. I REMEMBER THAT I AM A PART OF GOD.. I remember what I am here to do now.. I here to wake you.. I here to shake you.. to move you even if that means it makes you angry.. even if it makes you see and think about what you would rather not.. because some don’t want to wake up some don’t want to take responsibility for their own soul and what they have done to others in their own darkness and stupidity.

I am here to use myself and my own life to show you YOURS.. I am here to show you… you

What I post next will be the last few chapters of the book.. they are CHANNELLED… they come through me from a higher place a higher mind… I am but the pen and the paper.. the words are greater than me.

Some may say I am crazy.. some may say I need medication.. some may say I need help.. but did the others who wrote of these things need the same thing.. because you believe in the afterlife do you need this help too. Nothing is new everything exist already.. they are just made new again.. there are many spiritual writers giving you this wisdom in different forms today.. I am one of them…. I guess to some that makes us all crazy.. but the way the world is being driven to insanity daily is crazy.. this is to put a stop to the insanity that we try to ignore.. because it is easier to bury our heads in the sand than to wake up and see that humanity is dieing!

Where does it end.. this fear.. this fear of the SPIRIT that can not be seen but only know in the heart and through wisdom.. so I ask you to judge me on the wisdom… the wisdom that I will set before you like a feast.

The media sprituality is but a light snack compared to what I am about to give to you.. those who are hungry.. those who are thirsty will be filled and satisfied.. then there will be those.. who can see the feast but choose not to eat of it.. they will not be judged as they are not ready yet.. but one day in the next life time or in the next they to will feast of the eternal wisdom.. they will be made whole.

CHANGE

CHANGE.

CHANGE

For those of you how follow my blog but are not on my facebook; I had a very hard time last night with those who do not understand my writing or me. I am trying to make a postive change in the world by being open, honest and by being myself.. but some are finding me to be selfish, sluty, rude, gross, bitchy, a bad mom and man crazy.

Some didn’t see my sensual boudoir photography as art or that I was celebrating coming into my own as a woman and my transformation through heartache.

It seems to some of the women that live around me that I am being arrogant and selfish.. to think that people want to read about my life or see my pictures. It seems that they think by using my life and my story because I just want to draw attention to myself for selfish concieted reasons… not because I am using my life and my story to help others.. I was told by a friend today that everyone has a story and has gone through pain.. THAT IS MY PIONT! I am not saying I am the only one.. I am not saying that my pain or my story is more important than others pain and life stories.. I am saying we are all one.

I was not and am not trying to turn other women’s husbands on.. I am not trying to lure a man to me by posting my boudoir photography,, I am trying to say look how far I have come from the pain of my past.

When I posted things about what men had done to me.. I was reporting on their abuse of me.. We tell children to do this that are being abused and bullied.. yet when I did it I was abused even more by being called gross by some..even though it was not my words only the words of others that I reported on.. to protect myself from their threats and further abuse.. A man on my facebook said he was glad he had never been with me or I would plaster it all over facebook posting it on my blog..If a man treats me with even moderate respect this will not happen.. these men were beond cruel and were still being cruel to me.. other than posting Adrian’s name and cell #; I did not use anyone elses true identity..I warned Adrain that if he kept on threatening me and abusing me with his text messages that I would post them to keep me and my kids safe.. he kept on.. so I posted them for these reasons.

When I used David Burdetts real name I was telling him that I still felt love for him as a person and I was saying sorry and thanking him for his creative support and for giving me creative energy and inspiration.. I was being humble and saying I was wrong.

I have transformed and I have become more of myself.. but I have always been an orginal thinker.. I have aways moved away from the norm to forge new pathways and change.. there are many people like me.. there are many people who say ” hey we can do this a better way.” many of these people in history and today have been burned, hanged.. and assasinated for their original ideas, behaviour, thinking and actions.. yet when we look back at them as looking back is 20/20, we thank them for bring us out of the dark ages and into the light of higher understanding and awareness.

Men have said to me by comments on this blog and in person that the rules between men and women are changing and they don’t know what to do.. women have said they want their freedom in their sexuality, speach and day to day living.. it is my intention to help to bring this about.. that is why I am writing that is why I use my life as an example.. but I am not any better than anyone.. what I like about this blogging verses just publishing a book in hard copy is the interaction between us in the comments and on facebook. A friend of mine said she didn’t think her opinion mattered to me.. she is wrong.. everyone’s opinion matters.. everyone matters.

You may not like that I stand out.. you may think that I am trying to be concieted, arrogant and attention getting with my work..this may be your perspective.. but it is not my intention.. my intention is to make a postive change in the world.. my intention is to help bring about this change… my intention is to do whatever it takes to do it..including sacrifice. I have and I am doing that.. and if you think it is about me getting attention.. why.. check yourself please.. why do you think that?

I am putting up some old pictures of myself to show you how far I have come physically.. but you don’t see how far I have come emotionally, mentally or spiritually in the pictures..but you can see that in my writing and how I live my life.

I know we are all connected and that my life story is but a reflection of all life stories… I don’t think that I am better than anyone.. It think that we are all equal in the eyes of God.